Sometimes

I still feel that it would have been better

to stop living in March 2019

I am, of course, o.k. with living 

from one day to another

but it doesn't lead anywhere

there is nothing

to get up for in the morning

to be enthusiastic about 

to love more than I do my comfort

There is only this shame and sadness and dispair

that nothing can possibly come

that could make this worthwhile

Meanwhile, writing these down 

doesn't make me feel better

if anything, rather worse

and yet, my need for complaining

gets the better of me again and again

I had yet another in-love dream last night

with yet another unwisely chosen guy

apparently no male aquaintance of mine is safe :-D

(he was the 5th if I remember well)

I also met A. on a playground today

I'm so glad that we are both this committed to meet whenever we can

I learn a lot from and through her

My digestion is still as bad as can be

(meaning virtually nonexistent)

but at least today I bought some fruit & veg

and a summer duvet

on an absolutely uplifting Zoom birthday party

As it is, naturally my whole high school class is turning 40 this year 

(starting last autumn)

and the spouses make the most of it

Last week I sent a letter to B. in Pomáz

he’s supposed to get one for each of the 40 days leading up to his birthday

And now I joined a Zoom party 

for N. in Landau

first we were gathered in smaller groups in a breakout room with her

scheduled so that those who knew each other came for the same half an hour

and then we got all together for a presentation from heaps of pictures

narrateted by her husband, N.

with a lot of humour and even more apparent love

it really was a privilege even to listen to him

(of course I was a bit jealous, too

but not much)

on the dragging days

I feel as though time were slowing down 

nothing distinguishes the days

one flows into the other

and worst of all, they are gone without any trace

like some gel-like substance

in which things are visible but hard to grasp

the resistance is hundredfold

Babies are born in my circles

and I don’t feel much

neither pain nor joy

Come to think of it, the whole feeling-business is 

somewhat dampened these days

I can’t really remember the last time I had some strong feeling

(but it was probably something not-very-nice 

so I better not search too much)

I remember reading somewhere that 

one indicator of being adoption-ready

was that one can speak without crying

of not being able to give birth

I think I got to this point a day after my diagnosis

But I still cry whenever I think 

(let alone speak...)

of the divorce

I guess it's telling

that while writing about the good events of last week

I altogether forgot about

receiving the eligibility certificate for adoption...

I am nowhere nearer to the decision than I've been in January

if anything, probably even farther

But it's valid for 3+1 years so I guess I don't have to rush the discernment

(if only I had some clue where to start...)

By the time I finished the previous post in the afternoon

I started feeling low again

but I cut it off by joining N., J., B., Zs. & F. in the Liget

for a nice talk (N. brought along converation starter questions)

and then B. came over to remake my laptop

which of course didn't quite happen

but at least it has been started 

he left eventually before 10

and then I remembered F. telling some birdwatcher story about Á.

and of course, that was the end of the pleasant time

I wonder if this hatred 

that turns from him & her to myself in minutes every time

will ever leave me

it’s been awhile

I feel somehow strange

that "episode" a week ago left its mark on my mood for a long time

it may have been because

it felt like letting myself down

another disappointment –

back when I strolled in to the psychiatry 

more than 1.5 years ago

I really didn’t expect the connection to last this long

I’ve been looking upon these as a temporary state ever since

to be ignored when I feel better and endured when worse

but maybe this isn’t the right strategy after all

maybe I should aim to learn to navigate them

but for that I would have first 

to accept

that this too shall last

and that feels just too much

Good things happened this week, too, of course

another massage session

a present and a heartfelt letter from my brother via snail mail

a good walk & talk with N.

I’ve got vaccinated and survived (well, this far – AZ)

I had a reading date with myself

on a park bench, with coffee & cakes

and most importantly without my phone

the sun shone a lot

I cleaned up that ugly back corner of the loo

(pretty effortlessly, really, as aunt K. said:

"one day you'll just do it without sweat")

And yet I feel subdued

on Easter alone

This has certainly been

my most pathetic Easter so far*

I was doing o.k. till Good Friday evening

but there it all vanished

and I spent Saturday as well as today mostly playing on my phone

feeling varying levels of self-loathing and -pity

and horrible loneliness

(One highlight there was though

in being alone:

I sang along the Exultet loudly

with the bishop (on YT)

while lying in the bathtub...)

Then this afternoon F. called to inquire after a possible coffee meet-up

and while I was about to change from my pyjamas in his honour,

A. called also, just to chat a bit

and I couldn't help but laugh with her

(besides admiring their parental creativity)

These people save my life again and again

because the times when I needed people most

are also the ones when I am the least able to reach out

just like today

(although I made an effort today 

and arranged the time for our walk with N. tomorrow

about which we've talked a few days ago

but made no solid plan)

* I tried to remember Easters in Cluj but couldn't 

on my excursions to doomstown

Sometimes now

I can look back at these "episodes" and say

"well, my mind wandered off for a walk

to some dark and scary place"

which doesn't help a bit while I am there

but at least makes some sense of it afterwards 

I wonder what happened if

instead of actively ignoring this mild depression

I would try and learn to navigate it

(too bad that would need require energy and interest to invest in :-7)

on sadfishing

Unsurprisingly

not even the cards could solve my life's troubles

so last night I found myself once again

crying myself to sleep

And now I've been up for almost 2 hours

and even went out to the pharmacy 

surely now I am allowed back to bed?

(Although it may be a good idea to 

first put away the food I didn't prepare

in the kitchen)

Getting up is still difficult. 

Bodily, too: for some reason I keep having this <izomláz> almost every morning

regardless of my movements the day before

But mostly mentally

nothing to get up for

nothing worth the bother

I am reminded of P. Arrupe's(?) timeless words:

Nothing is more practical than

finding God, than

falling in Love

in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide

what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends,

what you read, whom you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love,

and it will decide everything.

on doubts & assurances

Two more cards came today

(and still at least one on its way)

it's so good to have some hope 

in front of the box every day

I went to my boss's home this afternoon

to have seder supper together

lead via Zoom by another pastor

it was a really nice time

we prepared the table together

and followed the "baptized" liturgy

I was actually glad to be there for once

instead of being at church

the Mass of The Last Supper is still

"too much like a mass"

this form brought it closer to me

and there was also a strong sense of community

Meanwhile tonight something came back

from what we talked about with the psychologist on Monday

about the fact that I can't imagine myself in a romantic relationship

(while now and then I can see myself as a mother, and it surprises me

because I always thought of these 

as marriage being the prerequisite 

for motherhood)

At first I thought it's because men come in all shapes and sizes

and so my mind has a hard time imagining one

but then I had been in romantic relationships

so I should have some idea

(and I haven't had a child so that's "unprecedented")

Later she said that it may be

that as a woman, I suffered such a break

that it blocks me 

while it isn't so much connected to my feelings about motherhood

It's an interesting theory, I can accept it easily

the question is what is there to do

(if anything can be done)

The massage must have been even more of a succes

than I thought

because I fell asleep earlier yesterday than I had for a long time (11:30ish) 

and (after a short pause around 8

which seemed too early to be up on a Sunday) 

went on sleeping till 11:30

But this also means that I am not sleepy tonight

especially since I am harbouring ambivalent feelings about the book club

for a time today I felt that I really should not force my choice of books on all these people

most of whom hated this second one vehemently

this impression was later somewhat mitigated

by a few remarks on how good it is to have the book club

but I am still unsure

I feel that this list provides a good starting point

and if it were just about recommendations

then we couldn't ever decide what to read

but it may well be just plain stunbornness on my part

clinging to my idea

(then again, isn't that the natural way when one has an idea?)

and then, perhaps even more importantly

I have to once again face the fact

that I am hopelessly inadequate in literature

which is still a shame

even if not a novelty

however, I guess I'd better make peace with it

(with myself, to expand the issue a bit(?!) more)

on a much better (socially distant) birthday

I had breakfast with N. on Thursday 

on a bus stop bench, nice and safe

(he had no idea about my birthday

which was cause for a good laugh)

 

I nearly fell asleep on adoration

then gave my other breakfast cookie/cake

to a beggar man in front of the church

then we went to watch buffalloes (and water birds and tiny water creatures :-))

with A. & the three kids

it was good fun

the sun was shining brightly all day long

In two days, not counting the aforementioned breakfast,

I’ve got cake from five people (the last two meant 1 cake, fortunately)

and at least a dozen cards and letters and emails from Tuesday on

so yes, voicing my needs seem to pay off

And today I even had a massage

to ease my pain of touchlessness

along similar lines

I can see a pattern here

upon waking I kind of look forward to the day 

all the things I can accomplish

but by the time I get out of the bed

it starts fading

and by the time I can actually sit down to work, it's gone

Weird, really

I am also more sensitive

to people not wanting/being able to meet me

though it seems I may just have been barking up the wrong trees

because others still seem quite keen

I met A. today for a half hour walk

and got two lovely cards

from Zs. in Fehérvár

and M. in Kecskemét

on losing touch

Today I felt fairly bad still

and couldn't find anyone to complain to

either I know too well how troubled they are already 

or I can't imagine them caring

or to the remaining few I've complained enough by now

but M. called (as an act of penance!)

and that's always good

and even Mum called

and played me Nada te turbe on the recorder (!)

and we had Faith & Light gathering

seriously, how do I dare call myself lonely?!

on this day

Well, it was a rush statement

that it was mostly over

today I woke around 10

had breakfast, amd lay back

till 3 (not sleeping)

then I dressed up

(feeling it too embarrassing to show up in pyjamas, even if only to Cs.)

and went on listening to radio drama

and playing on my phone

up to now.

I also had lunch from the freezer

ate a lot of cocoa powder (the sugary type, of course)

talked on the phone with A.

and on Skype with G. & A.

and learned quite a bit of Dutch.

That was my day.

And meanwhile I've been feeling bad 

for all the stuff I did not do

and also nicely reinforced

in my opinion 

that I am not good for anything.

Last night I talked with the inimitable P. (via Skype)

I cried a lot

but by this morning my doomstown visit was mostly over

I hate to admit but PMS might 

have played a mighty part... 

a shame on me, really, still stuffing my body

with empty carbohydrates

after all these times & experiences

I don't learn a thing

on existential dread

Basically, it comes down to these.

Life does not conform to my ideals.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of them.

Life’s worth does not depend on its importance or effectiveness

or anything else. It is, therefore its existence is good.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of my stupid notion 

that because it is not important, effective

or anything else, my life is wothless.

...

I shall try to hold on to that picture

how I could finally imagine the Father holding me

safely

warmly

unconditionally

If anything, this will help me through this.

 

on restlessness

Quaranteen, day 5 (and the last)

cabin fever

horrible state in the flat

(I started binding two long awaiting books

+ decluttering the kitchen closet

while not having vacuumed for a month or so)
and similarly bad state in my head

Last night was nasty

I was up till about 2:30

and spent quite a bit of it weeping

among feelings of use- and prospect-less-ness

I wonder if it is an early onset (?) midlife crisis

[which, I am told by Wikipedia, may not exist at all :-)]

or just the latest aftershock of the whole boring mess

I also exchanged an e-mail with Á. yesterday

having got a demand for payment from the insurance company

the flat’s insurance in on his name

and I asked him around September to cancel it in November

but as it happens, he didn’t

and neither payed the fee due in January

but at least did it now

 

In one way these occasions are useful reality checks

I tend to think that by leaving me, he must have solved all his life’s problems

but alas, at least I wasn’t the reason behind his procrastination

Yesterday I also started reading Modern Love

(the NYT column I desperately avoided till now)

with this piece

and went on today with this

not sure why (apart from the fact that I need to read a short story a day)

it aches

but still I feel drawn to them somehow

on freedom

With CLC on Friday

we talked about freedom

what we cling onto

what we wish we could let go of

and what we really can

I realised 

that my latest addiction is indeed my phone

and what I really can't let go of are my ideals

I am also horribly lonely

and not really good for/at anything

(or maybe I just had too many friends around

with different (and totally deserved) professional successes  

for one week)

I also watched a Danish documentary titled "A Married Couple"

about a young couple:

both the boy and the girl have Down syndrome

and they have a fascinating take on life, the world and everything

in part fully childlike

in part wise as old people

but always totally straight and honest

it was a delight to be part of their life

even if also heartwrenching at times