on some newly found joys

A few weeks ago I set off
to create some sort of an evening routine
of course the usual way, wanting it all at once :-)
but a few steps seem to stick
(if it is not too late already at the start):
I brew a cup of lemon balm tea infusion
light a candle
and pray with some audio examen while sipping it
I stretch a bit
and the happiest: I step out to the balcony
and say good-night to the moon :-)
which is strangely comforting
even in the night chill

Also, sleeping in a cool room 
does make a big difference for me 
I think I only shut my window fully once so far
[would someone please tell me the correct word order???]
and don’t mind even the initial cold
because I sleep so much better this way

(also, should I close the window,
I would probably die after the first few nights
in the dust of my room :D)

Another joy was to have lunch and coffee and cake with P. today
we figured we met last at A.’s birthday
close to 4 months ago
a shame, really
but we had a great conversation at last

And we also had a video chat with N. and A. in the morning
which provided a glimpse into each other’s days
I’m glad for that, too

And I sent a message to S., finally
he’s on his way to Wroclaw
feeling a bit better than the last time we chatted (months ago :-( )

And I am horribly worried for K.
something for St. Therese of Lisieux to work hard on

on a life lesson, learned again

On Wednesday I finally sent a text to Sr. A.
and got a call from an unknown number
while sitting at choir practice
and a text saying
This is Sr. J., please call me back about Sr. A.

and then I pretty much knew

but I would never have dreamt that she died
right that previous night
just when I reached out to her
after months and months of procrastinating

and I (should’ve) learned it with B. bácsi 
our dear old musical history teacher
way back in 2000
when I didn’t post him
that card from Warsaw
with the Chopin monument

I have to pay more attention to my parents

the age of weddings and baptisms 
is slowly but surely changing 
into the age of funerals

on gender issues

So this year's International Booker Prize winner is a Dutch book
written by an author not yet 30
who “identifies as both male and female”
and it made me face it once again:
I am unsettled by these new identities

With a little thinking, I could also work out why:
age and sex are the first two signposts for me
about how to relate to anyone

I remember well when I had to talk to a lady in burqa
at the Visitors’ Centre in Strangeways
and I felt lost
not having any idea of her age
(even with the English language not really distinguishing
between, say, a formal or an informal address) 

Anyway, last night I downloaded the novel’s first four chapters (Amazon sample)
and found that it is indeed very well written (and translated to English)
would probably be well worth reading
despite its dark theme

on the joys of autumn

Finally I don't have to let my blinds down

because the sun doesn't rise too early

and because it's not hot in the mornings any more

my plants will be glad for the light

and so am 

(if only it would flood

a tidy and clean room...!)

the air is also crisp

and somehow smelling autumn-like

hoodie-weather

(if only I had that hoodie...)

on shame

Yesterday I listened to a podcast episode on shame

it was very interesting indeed

turns out that shame works differently from other emotions

even on the neuron (?) level:

while others may be reversed fairly easily

shame's paths are somehow more set

meaning that unlike after, say, hearing someone apologise

and never being angry with them again

shame keeps coming back

It reminded me of what I once heard

that (Catholic) women who had an abortion

keep confessing it

I always found it (scary and) weird

you are forgiven, why would you confess anything more than once

but by now I understood 

I could do it with the divorce

(and it wasn't even my decision)

The other interesting thing in the podcast

was that just as we are not getting into shame alone

we can't get out of it alone either

we need the acceptance of others

(for ourselves, not for our actions)

on dragging along

It's not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago

but I still lack energy or vitality

I still prefer to cancel group events

and procrastinate a lot

but some of my official programs were cancelled, too

so I could go to Szalafo for almost 4 weeks

whether that would be wise remains to be decided

Meanwhile yesterday "marked" the first psychodrama session

which was exhausting

probably more or less due to my very strong reistance

I still feel the urge to back out

there's going to be sweat and blood

and mirrors in which 

I am not sure if I am prepared to look into

and then there is the self-consciousness 

and the fact that I am miles away from my body

it actually feels strange to try and express myself 

in any other way than through words

on work strategies

Today I asked my boss 

whether he'd be o.k.

with me sending him a two-line email

each workday night

telling him what I've been doing

because apparently

(and pretty shamefully but never mind that)

I run on accountability

I wonder what he'll say to it tomorrow

(in fact, as far as self-hacks go

I think it's quite a good one

he wouldn't even have to read them)

Meanwhile, I've been to Pomaz

for Dad's birthday

it was nice

(I asked him about my reaction

on Mum's homecoming at 4 months

and he said he can't remember anything exceptional happening)

and so was little E's baptism in Keszthely

a very intimate event

with way too much to eat afterwards

I still can't get my head around

being bestowed so much trust upon

by G. and A.

it actually feels like a compelling reason to stay alive

By night we found out that

someone from the community of the baptising priest 

was found COVID positive in Budapest

we are still waiting for the test result of Fr. Z.

on nothing in particular

I worked totally insufficiently this whole week

it weighs on my conscience 

but at least today I got to catch up with A.

having last met around the end of June

it was nice

S. K. is off to Germany for about three months

so much for her calling me :-)

N. flew back to Y. today

I wonder if she'll get the next job there

I listened to a ton of podcasts

and radio dramas

and ate half a melon today

which was almost sweeter than I wished for

I overspent horribly this week

and just realised a week or so ago

that I ignored YNAB's advice

namely to live on last month's paycheck

and slipped into living 

on the most recent one

and that might be worth reversing if I can

BUT I washed my hair

and went house-minding

without being forced to do either

(if not by the urge of procrasti-working...)

on these days

Yesterday I helped P. tuning the organ in Makó
it involved lots of scaling on the keyboard
and lots of handing over pipes to him
(preferably in some set order :-))
it was great fun, I had hours to read meanwhile,
and he payed me very handsomely in the end

Today I did a little bit of translation
but it will be a drag this way
I could hardly make myself do it
and payed a lot for eating and drinking out
and then when I came home, all my energy left (again)
and I skipped the gospel choir
and only the occasion makes me
willing to get up and move to the pub
(it being N.’s farewell party)

I was admitted to the psychodrama group
I have half a mind to let go of it
it will by all probabilities be so painful

Meanwhile the lectures which I should attend
(organised by my workplace and selling "my" coffee)
were reshuffled again
meaning that I could spend two weeks at most in Szalafő

Nothing ever works out the way I’d like it to

on a few pieces of the jigsaw falling to place

Today I went to an introductory interview
with S. Ó. for the psychodrama
a downright amazing business, as it turned out

At first she seemed rather reserved or even rigid
asking me for explanations whenever I wasn’t crystal clear

On a whim I told her the story
that my mother left for a month in England
when I was three months old
(the chance came before I was concieved
and in 1981 one did not hesitate much to take it)
I saw her face darken
she asked how I reacted when she returned
but no stories of that, unfortunately

Anyway, I went on with my life story
coming eventually to the divorce
she listened for a while
I started crying
and then all at once she said something like

You know, I have the feeling
that you are re-living that abandonment by your mother now
and that's what makes you feel so powerless
as an adult, one has lots of resources to use, a whole life
but a baby is utterly vulnerable
that was a trauma
for which you may well be angry at her
you would have needed your mother

My jaw dropped
and I asked what is there to do now
to which she replied much like
PálFeri in one of his lectures:
start loving and caring for that baby
tell her you will never abandon her

I was dead tired after that half an hour
got a coffee at a fancy open-air place
and told N. via chat
she wasn't nearly as impressed as I
which affected me surprisingly badly
but only for a short time

In the afternoon I met my brother
told him, too 
he replied with uncharacteristic empathy
and that felt nice

I also met A. in the evening
but didn’t tell her :-)

on dreams failing me (or I them)

So the days go by more or less fine

but I seem to have lost a few dreams again

much as I liked the idea of a South East Asian backpacking adventure

I decided to give it one more thought

when I realised that given the choice

I would always opt for mountain over sea

and cold/dry over hot/humid

but nowhere else would so little money

take me nearly so far

and two weeks of backpacking

sounds a lot less promising life-change-wise

than three months

then there was the idea of moving to Sz.

for October

but alas, that would make doing away with myself way too easy

so maybe I should abandon it

"for the time being"

then I finally called a gas man to fix the stovetop

where one of the "roses" wasn't working

and then (just as he foretold it, in fact)

while trying to fix it, he actually killed another one, too

leaving me with the need for a new one

which in turn made me realise

that I wished for a built-in stove

in my future kitchen

but I obviously can't start 

a complete renovation now

and won't replace the stove again

sometimes I'd like to sell the flat

and just spend the money travelling the world

without a single care for the ever-eluding "future"

(including those more abstract 

and even less attainable dreams

like a husband and kids)

Maybe I should look at it 

from the point of view that at least 

I had some new dreams to lose

on parallel work

I prefer this term to cowork, I think

because it expresses better

that everyone's doing their own job

much like tiny children play alongside one another

yet not together

Anyway, I had a great session of this today with N.

I was more productive than at any time recently

even translated a bit

and realised once again

my tragedy, that I usually don't allow myself 

the time required to get into the "translation zone"

where I am actually pretty close to flow

In the evening I listened to A. K.

lecturing (and telling many stories)

on resilience

it was very interesting

and I also enjoyed interpreting

to a nice elederly American couple

I learned from them how Robert Ford

stigmatized train travel and even walking (!)

as part of his pro-car campaign

and what a success it became...!

on singing

There were three choir rehearsals 

before tonight's concert 

of which I skipped the first two

but in just half an hour 

I could feel the difference on the last one

not to mention the fact that we sang

along the local symphonic orchestra

which made it a lot more fun to do

and to listen to :-)

Other than this, not much

The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins

(read by Phoebe Judge)

2048 till my wrist hurts

an experiment in intermittent fasting (16/8)

lots of procrastination 

some suicidal fantasies 

some dreams about trying to avoid stuff

(from having to play the bassoon

to getting raped)

Oh, yesterday I processed 

much of the tangible memories 

of the last 6ish years

(tickets &c.)

it was actually easier than I thought

on holiday, again

I get a lot of Balaton this summer, it seems

here I am in Keszthely again

since yesterday

Sz. took me to a group of foreigners (pensioners, in fact)

practicing Hungarian conversation

it was great fun, we hit it off splendidly 

though (yet again) I couldn't resist

marvelling at some amazing British accents

and worse, chatting a fair bit in my not so amazing Mancunain

(which nevertheless got me the kind compliment of 

"your English is exceptional")

anyway, I'll send them some online resources

and then they may or may not use them

We also talked a lot with Sz.

or to be honest, I did

and asked way less than I ought to have

but I saw their lovely new home

and garden

and the Cameroonian sheep next door (or rather garden)

and had a fine lunch made by her husband

in many aspects a life I shall never have

while in many others one very close to mine

We've also stood a bit in the water

shared a pizza

walked around quite a bit 

climbed to St Michael's chapel nearby

and met Sz's third cousin

a friendly architect who's currently working on a farm house in Pomáz

Then today I came to G & A & little E 

G wasn't at home till 9pm

but with the "girls" we walked around in the centre quite a bit

ate ice cream

and I was talked to a lot more than asked

which felt like the universe balancing out my previous performance

on a way too lazy weekend

Let's see:

I bought soda water from the manufacturer lady 

two doors down the street

made two kinds of salmon salads

got the next granola delivery from T.

wrote the introductory letter for the psichodrama ladies

had dinner tonight with Cs.

and that was it for the weekend, I guess

on the one I will never be

Somehow

recently

l started feeling that pain again

of every baby reminding me

of my never-to-be one(s)

Today at mass however

I’ve got the bright idea

to hand it over to Jesus

Who, unsurprisingly, 

didn’t deem it proper 

to take it away

right then and there

but heck, at least it wasn’t

a completely destructive startegy

on a new beginning

Today I finally got to visit P.

after a gap of nearly 7 months

and I was almost surprised to find 

that 2 hours were enough

to comfortably catch up

(mostly him with me, naturally 

but I too got a glimpse)

It felt like homecoming

like "fine-processing" recent events

that have already gone through

the rougher mills

but never became quite consistent

I got to choose my penance, too

"write that letter to the prison tonight"

I said without hesitation

and so by now it is done

right up to the post-ready envelope

on the end of the group therapy

I was quite disappointed
ever since finding out that it ends here

I really don’t feel much improved

despite what was said today 
(namely that each one of us present 

has found her mental resources

and grew since we last met)

Maybe I just had too high expectations

But there was one very interesting observation 

made directly to me:

that the verb halogat

feels as though I was leaving things to die

***

Meanwhile, a starting psychodrama group 

came across me today

and I realised that maybe

the fullness of time arrived for me 

to try it 

on a new circle of people

Interestingly 

since the divorce I've gotten into more new groups

than I have in a couple of years before:

the two choirs

Tiszavirág, the Faith & Light community

the therapy group

the “women's club” by the Calvinists

and now my workplace

(although naturally there are overlaps between them)

Lots of remarkable women seem to surround me

of a wide age range:

the conductresses and pastors’ wives

those fabulous girls in Tiszavirág

Zs. told me how glad she is these days

for the company of women

(esp. after having had a male for spiritual director

who was excellent but still a man)

I laughed a bit

probably because as a Catholic, I am socalised to men as priests 

but I seem to understand her actually

I can do with some more godly women in my life

I wonder if ever anyone will think of me in similar terms

Anyway, tonight we had a workplace meeting

where all the people working in different teams met

they of course all knew one another, except me

but I knew some

and somehow we all hit on pretty well

it reminded me of P.’s old saying:

“I've been to enough Church groups to be comfortable”

on letting myself to be touched

I am being moved

by more than one influence today

fortunately all going towards the right direction 

or more exactly towards God

I probably needed to eliminate 

that greatest of all distractions

to make myself at least a bit 

more aware, more sensitive 

to the still, small Voice

but I also needed this community 

(in which I am still 

on the edge of my comfort zone)

these young people with all sorts of disabilities and conditions

these very broken and very loving people

and their very young, kind and mature friends-and-helpers

and I needed the floor picture prayers

and the songs

and the smiles

and P.