on curfew(-ish restrictions)

Yesterday I talked to someone
who was concerned about being caught on the street
without good reason
and it made me think about my own attitude
which apparently has not changed the least
for the last almost three weeks.
Since then, I wasn't out for any reason other than
work (shut down on Monday last),
shopping (incl. presents),
walking
and/or meeting a friend
and I don't plan to give up on any of these
as long as I can.

Somehow the fact that since Saturday
it's officially called (something like)
"restricted moving"
does not change anything for me.

Maybe I am in fact
less of an externally controlled person
than I had thought?

on attending vurch

So a few minutes ago
I attended Virtual Church for the first time
(couldn't be bothered last week)
at some random Irish Cathedral

It was quite odd, I have to admit
silent and without even a homily
and lying in bed in pyjamas
was probably not the best choice either

However, I better get used to it
and work out my good practices soon
because this shall last...

(I can hear that Cs. at her room
could find a mass with singing :-))

At 9 we'll have breakfast/coffee together
with a bunch of friends
on Zoom.
I better go and get ready.

on an unusual birthday

I've been meaning to write here for ages
but apparently it comes easier
when I am poorly
than when I am fine
and the latter was the case
for the last week or so.
Signs of my improving mental health included
not having to listen to something every minute of the day,
being more mind- and thoughtful about
other people's struggle,
putting on my red-flowery T-shirt
for the first time since July,
and generally not getting caught up
in the webs of self-loathing and shame.

I guess it lasted till today.
And now I remember the good M. V.
who at a conference on homelessness
told us that we should not be too regretful
if after three months our client gets back to the street
but rejoice that he could have three nice months off it.

So today I remembered the only reliable greeting-card senders in my life:
the parents and grandmother of Á.
No card this year, obviously
but they've sent a text later in the evening
which compels me to edit this part
(nevertheless, thinking of them was painful).

Meanwhile, the day was dragging on a bit disappointingly:
a few messages from friends
in fact, some totally unexpectedly
and lots of silence from others.
I know the world's on the verge of collapsing
and so I really shouldn't have expectations
yet
apparently I still have them.

My brother's family saved the day though
with a lovely lemon cake made by my nieces
and a bag of food ("quarantine-present")
and some general merriment and lap-sitting and the rest.

Later I even went shopping (gasp!)
bought Dutch flower seeds
(then read at home that they're supposed to be sown in June...),
unicorn magic marshmallows :-),
a pink candle
and two big-flat-wheelie boxes
underneath my bed.

Trouble is "only" that I still don't feel like tidying.

But A. called a few minutes ago
how very kind of him;
and we even had a Skype conversation with G.
where I've got to see my future goddaughter live.

Seriously, I have no reason to be disappointed.
This turned out to be a quiet but good birthday.

on being a splendid fool

This is the time and place to volunteer!

eight plus one resolutions for these extraordinary times

1. I shall air through my flat three times a day, and walk outside twice for 15 minutes (in direct sunlight, if possible).

2. I shall get up by 8am, and go to sleep by 11pm.

3. I shall switch off every screen between 9pm and 9am.

4. I shall call at least two people a day, maybe a friend and a relative. I shall do my best to listen to them more than I speak.

5. I shall tell my phone number to the old ladies in my house, and offer to help in whatever they may need it. I should have done this upon moving in but better now than never.

6. I shall stay properly hydrated, and I shall pay attention to what and more importantly to how much I eat. Boredom-induced eating is never a good idea but even less so now when I need less calories.

7. From Monday to Saturday I shall work, volunteer, move and learn a bit every day. I shall try to tend to some neglected areas of my flat, too.

8. I shall pray, sing and give thanks and every day, as well as read, listen to or watch something uplifting, and something funny.

+1. I shall be extra thoughtful and patient with anyone under high pressure: people working in public service and healthcare, parents of small children, the elderly.

on shame

​I wonder what exactly took me this long in it
but here it is now:
I identified my single most depressing feeling
as shame.

An overwhelming, burning sense of shame
that I’ve been rejected for another
used, bored of and thrown away
(flushed down the toilet as it sometimes feels)
that I have not been and am not
living up to
whatever I ought to
that I am incapable of any proper employment
that I seemingly have nothing to offer the world
that I cry on more days than I am not
that I am empty
lacking any substance or essence

but I better stop here

(Now I wonder if identifying would change anything.
I'd be surprised if it did, though.)

on getting fat

No one takes me seriously in this matter (either, to be honest)
as if it were a sign of normalization
but of course gaining weight does not end where I used to be
and I was also a lot happier shape-wise last summer than before that
right now I am unable to button up my size 38 pair of jeans (not even standing)
from my bulging belly
and keep shoveling food in myself whenever I can
and can't make myself run
anyway, I'll tell the psychiatrist tomorrow
and ask her either for another medicine
or to stop entirely
though that may prove too early
but how am I supposed to know if I can live on without it?
Anyway, at least Mum will surely
give me a nice talking-to (?)
she is always dissatisfied with me.

on a dream

I dreamed about L. tonight
it was way too realistic
apart from some details
(but those I only noted after waking)
the kind of dream that feels real
up to my skin and flesh
shows my unfulfilled longings nicely
is there really no way to stay inside...?

on recent joys

We played Pandemic Thursday night
(till 1am or so)
with B. and N.
it was great fun
(though I am still a bit intolerant
towards meaningless vulgarity)

Tonight I watched an award ceremony
at the theatre
with two percussion bands
it was amazing

Also, I like this app very much

a prayer from long ago

Uram, valamit kezdj el már velem,
mert látod, hogy nem megy semmi.

Pedig még tudnék lelkesedni,
még nem múlt el az első szerelem,
ha be is temetem,
vagy betemeti más:
a munka vagy a fáradt,
sűrű megszokás.

Már nem is tudom,
hogyan is kellene,
hogy szolgád derűs szelleme
tartson még bennem,
és tudjak valami
küldetést látni
ebben a robotban,
ami még lelkesít --
ha már az emberek
nem is igénylik
azt, amit teszek --

vagy Te igényled bennünk azt, Uram,
és mégse minden céltalan?

on living in a nightmare

I think I'm fighting pretty hard
but no matter what
I just can't seem to find my way
back into my life

Every positive change
feels totally superficial
almost illusory
whereas the the pain and hopelessness
eat me away on a much deeper level

Yesterday (after hearing about (over)protective mothers
from more than one person last week)
I told the group that
no one ever had any fear for me

on food & family

I think I have always been fairly aware
of food wasting
and always tried to cut back on it
but my recent money-consciousness made a real difference
at the greengrocery I start at the half-price section
(which also means that I have to eat or prepare the stuff ASAP
but at least time is not a problem these days)
and the other day I turned the sour milk into cheese
which is pretty nice
(milk doesn't really go off by me nowadays
– I drink a lot –
but it feels like a new skill)

Today I talked about my family on therapy
nothing groundbreaking (unsurprisingly)
but it felt good to let the others know me a bit more
and I also became really grateful for my parents
after hearing the stories of the others.

on appearances

I've got an e-mail the other day from J.
starting with
"I'm glad things start to work out around you at last"
I wonder what could I have written that made it look like that...

If I think of Á, I still feel something pretty close to physical pain
I'm not sure if there was a full week since August
when I wouldn't have cried
(or indeed three consecutive days in recent months)

On other matters: I've long since
been considered a presents-person
which may be true to some extent
(I like both getting and giving
thoughtful presents
preferably nicely presented)
but
recently I found that what actually
determines my feelings towards someone
is their willingness to spend time with me.

I am climbing out of my latest rut, it seems
(no expectations, no naivite this time)

I went to Faith & Light meeting today
so many lovely people
J. thanked me saying that "she can count on me"
which was quite surprising
but nice

Oh, and I also managed to piece together
the armchair from my brother's attic
it took way more than it should have
(incl. two(!) visits to the screw shop)
it's nice and comfortable, and finally ready, of course
it's just that I did have some other plans for this morning, too
and was frustrated by my inability to do it more efficiently
(I will probably never become a DIY diva
try as I may)

And M. called the other day
and we decided that if I don't get to Bp. sooner
than he'll travel to me to toast our birthdays
(his is on the 29th)
it's nice to meet him for the third time in half a year
after about ten years with a, say, twice-in-three-years average

on recent times

The party a week ago was great
not too long but pretty intense
P. could have made me a bit happier
by tailoring the texts to the occasion
but then again, with all the toddlers around,
it's more than understandable that he did not
venture into anything fancy.
Milk rice was a great idea of F.
and most of the pumpkin soup was gone by the end, too.

Since then not much happened
I've got paid after the first two weeks of the electrode-painting
I've been to M. to soak a bit more in the lovely hot water
Dad sent me a heap of money unexpectedly
I've spent another good evening with B. at Jazz
had a long (3 hour-ish) walk with Sz.
bought a pair of running-proof earbuds

And yesterday I released this idea
into the virtual wilderness
so far the experiment is kind of successful
(though the first naysayers also showed up)

on feeling torpid

I called together a house-blessing (?) liturgy and party for tonight
spent most of yesterday with the preparations
there will be a full house, even to overflow
and this morning I had to admit to myself that
even party preparation is a lot more fun
and a lot less stress
if one isn’t alone in it
there is a lot more to do
I will be exhausted by the start of it
(and I better not think of the washing up yet
that will take up most of Friday morning)

I also regret all the nervousness
I ever felt and showed towards Á.
in similar circumstances

Why do I inevitably come to a point
to resent all my endeavors
every time I set out for something
just a bit beyond my comfort zone?

on today

It feels as though my soul has died in me
and whether my body follows
is not even very important any longer
(in reality it is, of course,
because of the finality factor)

Today we made lists on therapy
on the good and bad things we've got from our parents
with the aim of helping in our romantic relationships
only one girl got to talk
but it was quite interesting
I wonder what will be in it for me

I spent the rest of the day painting electrodes
a surprisingly rewarding activity
(not just paywise: it feels good
to have something come out of my hand
and watch the finished stuff
take up more and more space on the shelves)

And then we went to Makó
for bathing in the ever-hot waters
with F. and Zs.
in their new car.
Even their life is moving.

on (the lack of) willpower

Last evening I was in utter despair
again
not sure how it started
but I wound myself up to suicidal thoughts pretty quickly
spent the mass crying
and then a bit on the way home
soaking in self-pity
(you, my lord, if you have no servant...)
then read the email of Sr. A.
telling me straight that the idea of my uselessness is a temptation
Satan's trying to grab hold of me
(I thought about replying to her that
he has indeed succeeded in this attempt...)
and that sobered me up
along with my period... which also meant that it was
a particularly bad case of PMS
confirming my previous experience
on how vast amounts of sugar
wreak havoc in my hormonal system
and yet (and here I finally come to the title)
since January I am unable to exercise any constraint
it feels as though moving home has depleted all my reserves of willpower.
And also, becoming fat is something
for which I can loathe myself even more.

on a new source of joy

Cooking makes me happy.
The pleasure is immeasure
ably greater if there are
other people around to share it
(like A. and N. today for my
"cheap and cheerful" chicken risotto)
but the making, the creating part
is in fact much the same
even if it's just me.
It may be time to start
inviting people over for dinner
something I so wanted to do
probably since high school.

on the shrinking comfort zone

There is a new greengrocer(y?) just around the corner
I’ve been planning to go for some time now
and yet today I had to make a conscious effort
not to walk past it
to the usual one, even if it’s quite a bit farther.
It’s a bit scary
to watch myself losing ground so much.

Then I went into some cleaning spree at home
hoovered the inside of the convectors
and the pantry window
(which is in a horrible condition
but I better don’t go into much thinking about that)

I also had a go with my childhood-favorite dessert
bundás alma
it turned out nowhere near my grandmother’s, naturally
but still pretty tasty
(and I’ve got some insight for the next try)