on having time

Work is stagnating still

and I don’t have to (or indeed: cannot) complain about 

my need and inability to tidy up

and so I am actually on the verge of boredom

not that there was nothing to do 

but procrastinating is easier

Anyway, to be able to have guests is great

F. came over for coffee today

and we had a light board game party on Sunday, too

(with three people who had no or very little contact so far)

And I also very much enjoy 

the freedom to put down things (!) whenever I need to

(since there are clear horizontal spaces available)

and the newly (re)gained vision-sharpness

for anything out of place

Meanwhile, the two big heaters had to be swapped 

for non-leaking ones (second-hand, of course)

which cost half my savings

but brought on a nice warm flat

on greater joys

M. came to visit me yesterday

all the way down from Buda

the weather was terrible

and he was pretty determined to avoid closed spaces

so we walked around a lot (about 7 km, Google tells me)

and ate and drank at various terraces

and he brought along Omerta as a present

and altogether it was the best way possible to spend that gloomy-wet day

Meanwhile, to help the gas man 

getting to my non-working heater (<convector> :D)

I eliminated the heap of stuff from in front of it

along with the heap of dust covering it

and eventually I 

did 

gain 

momentum 

and so by the time of M’s arrival at noon yesterday

I tidied up and hoovered the room properly

after 7+ months

or an eternity, as it felt

it still feels fresh, amazing, and kind of unreal

on little joys

Today I went out

in lovely sunshine (a T-shirt proved to be enough)

walked in the flood area forest and then on the dam

until my shoes gave me blisters

(which wasn’t very far, unfortunately)

I even touched the Tisza with my palms

a sensation that delights me ever since I was a child

I also talked on the phone to A.

turns out he had covid a few weeks ago

and was asked about all his contacts up until the point 

where he told them that he was a teacher

there it ended

not a single mention about his possible school contacts

another example of how badly this whole thing is handled here

F. was over for coffee

we sat on the balcony

I’ve got a proper, paper letter 

from my high school literature teacher

Tomorrow we’ll go home with the whole bunch

my father will be made an "honorary citizen"

on mood swings

It’s nowhere near the original meaning, probably
but for lack of a better word I’ll call it mood swing

More times than I care to count

I find myself really bracing myself for tidying up

even imagining the resulting peace and comfort

but every single time when I could actually start doing it

I lose momentum, interest, willpower

and just do nothing

I would very much like to read about this

whether others have encountered (and maybe overcome) similar resistance

where it may be rooted

but I have no idea how to even start googling it

on quarantine

Man proposes, God disposes.

Having planned about five events for the coming days,

I was being quarantined today

through contact tracing

Unfortunately I did not connect the dots in the morning:

M. texted me saying that our mutual friend A. was diagnosed covid positive

but I totally forgot that I spent half of Saturday with her

(after all, she's been living in Kecskemét for years)

and so I went and donated blood today

which will now be disposed of

Fortunately the isolation will only last till next Wednesday 

since the period counts from the day of the contact

but still, the moment that I knew I should not leave the flat,

I started walking round and round

like the lion in that tiny cage

back in my childhood zoo

9 years

and no reason to celebrate.

I can’t really recall how I felt nine years ago

but all in all I was joy- and hopeful

feeling that my life was going in the right direction

looking forward to having a couple of children

and later growing old with Á.

Well, we all know how this story ended.

Today was o.k.

I mostly managed to divert my attention

went to mass in the evening

and thought how fitting it were

to kill myself tonight

but alas, I am not desperate (or just plain brave) enough

Meanwhile, I stumbled upon king David’s

pretty odd behaviour

and it left me wondering

whether I should try and carry on living 

as he did

since “the child’s dead, and I can’t bring it back”

David seems cool with it

but to me, well, easier said than done

on joys and burdens

A lot has happened since I last wrote here

I spent a good two days (and nights) and A., P., M. & J.’s house
helping out A. with her latest dietary requirements
and cleaning her kitchen :-)
it was good both in terms of fun and friendship
and also horribly tiring
their kids would kill me in about two days

I also had the vague feeling that if not the kids
then the mess would kill me in a week
but alas, I still haven’t got much further with my own room
so there must be some double standards at work here

On Friday I went to this amazing concert

and had the season’s first cup of mulled wine afterwards

(likely fortified with some spirit :-))

On Saturday I spent the forenoon (thanks, Miss Austen!)

with our and the other CLC group 

Fr. Gy. proved to be a lovely person

we had an amazing potluck lunch

and the whole thing was just totally effortless and light-hearted

I felt at home again

On Sunday B. took me for a ride

we had a pizza in Sándorfalva

good fun as always

Yesterday I cooked some quince cheese

"some" meaning that pretty much all my bowls are full of it now :-D

and I have a hard time figuring out how and where to dry them out completely

once I removed them from the bowls

I also made the decision to join a small group 

at the "start-up" fellowship that gives my job 

it will probably be a place to give back

since the members (with the exception of the leader)

are more "beginners" in faith

(we are somehow all single women, too

which somehow makes me a bit uncomfortable)

Another joy is the Online Film Club

run by N. from York

and our new routine in which we watch the film Monday night

with J. on her (well, N.’s) large screen TV 

Among the burdens, I’ve got into a pretty difficult place of work

having to answer dozens of questions by the lawyer 

about the website that is still not finished

And then there is the room

with the heaps of (off and in-season) clothes

and other heaps of stuff

buried in dust

and the fact that I am going to sleep later and later every night

despite declaring my intention to do it earlier

on loyalty, imaginary or real

I told G. & A. way back that I won’t attend the harvest this year 
yet when they told me a few days ago that they invited Á.
I felt very much hurt

In my mind
the inevitable is happening
people get over their initial indignation
shrug and say "well, he must have had his reasons"
make peace and then friends with A.
and in the end he’ll have it all
and I’ll have nothing

I guess it’s not exactly realistic
nevertheless this is how I feel
and in theory that’s neither good nor bad

but in fact it is rather bad
for it makes me see painfully clearly
how very, very far I have come
from the generosity I truly felt
towards him just a year and a half ago

I am moving backwards
not only in terms of the external stuff
but even as a person

I try not to imagine where I will end up

on aging, part 2

When I was young, I never understood

why people would fret over their age

then as I grew older

I drifted farther and farther

from where I ought to have been

and with that, the fretting started

Around this time before turning 30

I remember posting "emotional turmoil" on Fb

to which P. replyed with interest

and so we sat down in an outdoor cafe next to Nyugati

and I wept about certainly not bearing a child by the age of 30

(he was remarkably uncompassionate 

which hurt deeply)

at that time I held that the latest age

for having a first child

is 35

(the example being my uncle & aunt

who were about 40 

when my nephew was born)

Well, that should be over by now

but it isn't

instead, I took another step backwards 

with the divorce

on aging

Maybe because my birthday was so unusual this year
I was more aware of my .5th
and now that that too is over
I started agonising on shortly becoming 40
something totally unimaginable

Of course it shall be just as it always is:
nothing changes from one day to the next

I will get used to ticking one box lower in all those web-forms
to being in a whole different decade than most of my friends
and in the same one with many others
who always seemed so put together
who have kids in high school

comparison is the thief of joy
but how am I to fend it off
should I live on a desert island?

(What makes this post especially tragic is that I kept planning
a proper joyous one
with all the delights of the weekend...)

on constantly monitoring myself

I’m not sure how helpful it is
but I find myself taking my mental temperature
many times a day

feeling worse is familiar ground
this dread of sleep that led me here now
that envy toward my friends having their babies
that deep, deep sadness

feeling better, on the other hand, fills me with some vague remorse
because it means that I am becoming unfaithful
(to what exactly? my ideals?)

and the latest: I don’t want to eventually just "feel good"
because the only way I can imagine that 
is by burying whatever pains me now
and that’s unworthy of the cause

and who knows whether when I feel better now
I am not doing exactly that

but who will tell me if and when I am actually healing?
how will I know? 

on some newly found joys

A few weeks ago I set off
to create some sort of an evening routine
of course the usual way, wanting it all at once :-)
but a few steps seem to stick
(if it is not too late already at the start):
I brew a cup of lemon balm tea infusion
light a candle
and pray with some audio examen while sipping it
I stretch a bit
and the happiest: I step out to the balcony
and say good-night to the moon :-)
which is strangely comforting
even in the night chill

Also, sleeping in a cool room 
does make a big difference for me 
I think I only shut my window fully once so far
[would someone please tell me the correct word order???]
and don’t mind even the initial cold
because I sleep so much better this way

(also, should I close the window,
I would probably die after the first few nights
in the dust of my room :D)

Another joy was to have lunch and coffee and cake with P. today
we figured we met last at A.’s birthday
close to 4 months ago
a shame, really
but we had a great conversation at last

And we also had a video chat with N. and A. in the morning
which provided a glimpse into each other’s days
I’m glad for that, too

And I sent a message to S., finally
he’s on his way to Wroclaw
feeling a bit better than the last time we chatted (months ago :-( )

And I am horribly worried for K.
something for St. Therese of Lisieux to work hard on

on a life lesson, learned again

On Wednesday I finally sent a text to Sr. A.
and got a call from an unknown number
while sitting at choir practice
and a text saying
This is Sr. J., please call me back about Sr. A.

and then I pretty much knew

but I would never have dreamt that she died
right that previous night
just when I reached out to her
after months and months of procrastinating

and I (should’ve) learned it with B. bácsi 
our dear old musical history teacher
way back in 2000
when I didn’t post him
that card from Warsaw
with the Chopin monument

I have to pay more attention to my parents

the age of weddings and baptisms 
is slowly but surely changing 
into the age of funerals

on gender issues

So this year's International Booker Prize winner is a Dutch book
written by an author not yet 30
who “identifies as both male and female”
and it made me face it once again:
I am unsettled by these new identities

With a little thinking, I could also work out why:
age and sex are the first two signposts for me
about how to relate to anyone

I remember well when I had to talk to a lady in burqa
at the Visitors’ Centre in Strangeways
and I felt lost
not having any idea of her age
(even with the English language not really distinguishing
between, say, a formal or an informal address) 

Anyway, last night I downloaded the novel’s first four chapters (Amazon sample)
and found that it is indeed very well written (and translated to English)
would probably be well worth reading
despite its dark theme

on the joys of autumn

Finally I don't have to let my blinds down

because the sun doesn't rise too early

and because it's not hot in the mornings any more

my plants will be glad for the light

and so am 

(if only it would flood

a tidy and clean room...!)

the air is also crisp

and somehow smelling autumn-like

hoodie-weather

(if only I had that hoodie...)

on shame

Yesterday I listened to a podcast episode on shame

it was very interesting indeed

turns out that shame works differently from other emotions

even on the neuron (?) level:

while others may be reversed fairly easily

shame's paths are somehow more set

meaning that unlike after, say, hearing someone apologise

and never being angry with them again

shame keeps coming back

It reminded me of what I once heard

that (Catholic) women who had an abortion

keep confessing it

I always found it (scary and) weird

you are forgiven, why would you confess anything more than once

but by now I understood 

I could do it with the divorce

(and it wasn't even my decision)

The other interesting thing in the podcast

was that just as we are not getting into shame alone

we can't get out of it alone either

we need the acceptance of others

(for ourselves, not for our actions)

on dragging along

It's not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago

but I still lack energy or vitality

I still prefer to cancel group events

and procrastinate a lot

but some of my official programs were cancelled, too

so I could go to Szalafo for almost 4 weeks

whether that would be wise remains to be decided

Meanwhile yesterday "marked" the first psychodrama session

which was exhausting

probably more or less due to my very strong reistance

I still feel the urge to back out

there's going to be sweat and blood

and mirrors in which 

I am not sure if I am prepared to look into

and then there is the self-consciousness 

and the fact that I am miles away from my body

it actually feels strange to try and express myself 

in any other way than through words

on work strategies

Today I asked my boss 

whether he'd be o.k.

with me sending him a two-line email

each workday night

telling him what I've been doing

because apparently

(and pretty shamefully but never mind that)

I run on accountability

I wonder what he'll say to it tomorrow

(in fact, as far as self-hacks go

I think it's quite a good one

he wouldn't even have to read them)

Meanwhile, I've been to Pomaz

for Dad's birthday

it was nice

(I asked him about my reaction

on Mum's homecoming at 4 months

and he said he can't remember anything exceptional happening)

and so was little E's baptism in Keszthely

a very intimate event

with way too much to eat afterwards

I still can't get my head around

being bestowed so much trust upon

by G. and A.

it actually feels like a compelling reason to stay alive

By night we found out that

someone from the community of the baptising priest 

was found COVID positive in Budapest

we are still waiting for the test result of Fr. Z.

on nothing in particular

I worked totally insufficiently this whole week

it weighs on my conscience 

but at least today I got to catch up with A.

having last met around the end of June

it was nice

S. K. is off to Germany for about three months

so much for her calling me :-)

N. flew back to Y. today

I wonder if she'll get the next job there

I listened to a ton of podcasts

and radio dramas

and ate half a melon today

which was almost sweeter than I wished for

I overspent horribly this week

and just realised a week or so ago

that I ignored YNAB's advice

namely to live on last month's paycheck

and slipped into living 

on the most recent one

and that might be worth reversing if I can

BUT I washed my hair

and went house-minding

without being forced to do either

(if not by the urge of procrasti-working...)

on these days

Yesterday I helped P. tuning the organ in Makó
it involved lots of scaling on the keyboard
and lots of handing over pipes to him
(preferably in some set order :-))
it was great fun, I had hours to read meanwhile,
and he payed me very handsomely in the end

Today I did a little bit of translation
but it will be a drag this way
I could hardly make myself do it
and payed a lot for eating and drinking out
and then when I came home, all my energy left (again)
and I skipped the gospel choir
and only the occasion makes me
willing to get up and move to the pub
(it being N.’s farewell party)

I was admitted to the psychodrama group
I have half a mind to let go of it
it will by all probabilities be so painful

Meanwhile the lectures which I should attend
(organised by my workplace and selling "my" coffee)
were reshuffled again
meaning that I could spend two weeks at most in Szalafő

Nothing ever works out the way I’d like it to