on emotions & inspirations

Today’s was a very useful session at the psychologist

Last time we started talking about feelings

whether it was o.k. to express them back at home

and so on

(starting with my apparent inability to feel anger)

and then I thought about jealousy

with which I do struggle every once in a while

and then of self-pity

And then she said that jealousy is something much like anger

and self-pity like sadness

and with that, their "moral value" was at once taken away

and I find that very helpful indeed

a lot easier to manage them in my head

(or so I think now :-))

She also asked, in connection with my feeling of shame about the divorce

how I feel towards my divorcing friends

and I told her truthfully that I don't feel inclined to judge them

since both had fairly straight forward cases

with not much of a choice other than to leave

Then she asked me how I would put my own case into a sentence like those

seeing what objective reasons I could connect to their divorces

and I said "I was divorced because Á. wanted to leave"

and that suddenly felt like something pretty objective

As to the "substitute life"

even as I told her about it, I had to admit that

this expectation (the one about a family of "my own") 

exists only in my head

which doesn't make it much easier but maybe a bit still

Then at home I somehow thought I might start

the 8 week Marie Kondo challenge

trouble is, how do I strengthen my commitment...?

And in the evening we went to the cinema(!) with CLC

watched the film on the Ignatian camino

and it inspires me to go and walk it next spring

I'll have to make some sort of an initial calculation

on a substitute life

However, there was another impression

I've got after the papal mass

(and many times earlier but somehow it only took shape now)

namely that 

instead of a life of my own

I live a substitute one

It came on me while G. and T. were happily greeting rarely seen friends

and I was just standing there, not knowing what to say to whom

and although being there as a sister(-in-law) and aunt was a totally natural thing

I still felt as though I "should" be with "my own" family

that would be the "mature" thing

the responsible, the adult life

Maybe this is what I once called 

not being at home in my life

although back then

that was more a feeling of unreal-ness

while this is not

Maybe it is deteriorated by the fact

that I move among "perfect" families

so my ideals keep rubbing into my face

but then again, these lovely (and imperfect) people are my relatives and friends

and I am happy for their fortunes

It's about my attitude

about my seeing black or white and nothing in-between

(wo)man on the dam

It's been a while

as you may have noticed, that is a good sign

nothing particularly upstetting

and so it was, absolutely

the two holidays (in the Bükk and in the Őrség [goodness, that sounds bad!])

were perfectly relaxing

I came home with heightened energy level and lifted mood

and it lasted up to the last few days

pretty marvellously, really

I met a lovely little girl

14 months old Júlia

from whom I learned a lot

and who made me feel God's love more than anything this summer

the experience made me think about adoption 

once again

but I dismissed the idea for a while 

once again

Then this was a very busy weekend

theater on Friday, 1984

it was a lot better than I expected

quite moving in fact

Saturday morning I met Be. to sell him some coffee

he showed up in a Man on the Dam T-shirt

and as my face lit up, he said "it'll be tonight"

so I set up to walk the 26 km distance

on my own, having no one around to join me with such a short notice

This obviously meant that I freaked out

from every unusually shaped/coloured bush

and once terribly from a silent dogwalker

whom I passed almost without even noticing

and who later caught up with me

to my sheer horror

until I realised he was a fellow hiker

we met at the turning point earlier

and eventually walked together for the last five or so kms

All in all, it was a good thing to do

even if I weren't quite sure that I want to go

up to the time of leaving

and even if I was bone-tired 

I really felt as though I couldn't get out to the loo at night

and then came the papal mass in Pest...

but it all turned out quite nicely in the end

on hypersensitivity

PMS is wreaking havoc

no wonder after (yet another) month 

of reckless 

sugar/carbohydrates consumption

I've been having doomsday feelings for the last two or three days

such as

hopelessness

inadequacy

jealousy 

purposelessness 

slowness

laziness

and so on

Too bad that this could really be mitigated... if I cared enough to take care of myself

on loneliness

Somewhere deep

I always looked down on people

who can't bear to be alone

Well, I shouldn't have

I am as lonely as one can be

with quite a few good friends

I can always find something to complain about...

This time it is that there is no one 

to be there for granted

to share stuff with on a daily basis

to make plans with

to ask without hesitation, whenever I think of doing something

The psychologist seems to think 

that I feel I need validation from someone

and it may well be true

"the other side of the coin"

Today I met T.

after a year (or maybe even two?)

and I am just as unable to listen to her as I used to be

but seriously, she can talk for hours

without even taking a breath

and very often repeating herself

Today she said a half sentence about her bipolar condition 

about which I forgot, I think

but at least that explains this unstoppable talking

trouble is, I don't think she is being treated with it

Later A. came with the kids

and along with them

we took T.'s girls to the playground 

(they changed completely from the little devils they were at home)

A. told me about her not-so-successful days as a mother 

triggered in part by not being able to be alone for just a minute

which then lead me back to contemplate the fate of single mothers

who, of course, usually don't have more than one or two children to juggle with 

but even that seems well nigh impossible to me

and I think adoption may be a good idea?!

Meanwhile, a few days ago

I also happened to remember

something that dawned on me a long time ago

back when I was struggling with infertility:

that the way out 

is to be present and share and invest 

in the lives of my pregnant / young mum friends

I'm still not sure, why

but I am sure that it is

(Nevertheless,  T. still feels overwhelming)

a gut prayer

Dear God, my supposedly (and usually indeed) Loving Father,

would you please please please consider

taking away this overwhelming jeallousy 

that attacks me more and more often

when I see large and lovely family homes

with large and busy families

that of course aren't perfect in any way

but so much closer to what I wished for myself

Alternatively,  you may consider

taking away my rusty ideals

my never-to-be-fulfilled desires

or my life

Whichever you please, really

but do something, please

PLEASE

because all these are just too much

for now

on overwhelm

Much like I expected: 

Csillagpont is great fun

as well as an incredible load of work

It didn't help much

that G. started today with telling us off

very disproportionally to what we have(n't) accomplished yesterday

(but he too was fine afterwards

and I managed to even give him some

(pretty cheeky) feedback)

My coworkers are amazing

they made the job bearable and way beyond that

(I wish I could thank them all one by one)

The day wasn't very busy

but we needed to set up the routines, the flow

and I was there literally all day long

(7:15 to midnight)

and even if there were breaks

(an hour or so of prayer;

and we even played two full rounds of Set!)

it was very, very tiring

This was day 1...

today

For the first time in a few weeks

(or so it feels, anyway)

I didn't have to leave home

and it is also a lot cooler

so I had no such urge either

but now I have no food

and I should go a round

to the greengrocer and the baker

but I just am lazy

(not even the <cukrászda>!)

so I guess I'll have to eat something milk-based

which is fine

but sometimes I really wish for more motivation

There is this strange dynamics again:
nothing happening, seemingly

yet quite a bit going on on the inside

most of it half-consciously at maximum, though

Today I spent an hour with little M. in the pushchair

he was fabulous

made no fuss at all 

not even when he realized he is no longer being pushed by his father

that was something that made me deeply relieved and grateful

Meanwhile A. had some urgent examinations at the clinic

worries about the fourth child

(about whom I heard first this morning)

and I was truly anxious for them 

and relieved when it turned out to be nothing very serious

But I still shed a tear or two later at home

for poor me 

that will never know the joys and anxieties of pregnancy or childbirth

while it seems just so easy for others

unfairly easy if I am honest 

but also: if I am bitter

Bitterness is probably my biggest fear for the future right now

altough maybe I should be more afraid of self-pity

I started reading from this woman

cancer-fighter & left by her husband

by the age of 30

pretty damn shocking

in the best sense possible

Today we had a European CLC meeting online

for the migration network

lovely people and amazing conversations

In the evening we went to the mini wine festival

and from that to a pub

and it felt like being young once again

it's just that I didn't get further than about 20%

in the barista text book

on hope & joy

By God's grace

I am not unable to feel joy 

(or anything else for that matter)

like depressed people are 

(I am told)

it's just that the level to which I default

once the joy is gone

is quite a bit lower than it used to be

also, I am more inclined to take things personally

like L's silence

or the fact that N didn't ask me about hiking (twice)

on therapy yesterday

I could see on the psychologist's face

that she's about to say 

Something Unpleasant

and then she told me that she'd been thinking about my mood

the melancholy, blues, subdued-ness, unmotivation

not alleviating for the last months

and that she thinks I should visit my psychiatrist 

and work out some new medication (or level up this one)

I readily agreed

(I really like this woman

and tend to agree with whatever she says

at least on the spot

but this time I still do)

but according to A.

I will probably get an appointment 

for about 3 months down the calendar 

which sounds bad

I think I shall scale up my dose 

for 2 tablets a day

33% more surely can't do much harm

Meanwhile, the question remains

whether I am going somewhere

or just 

----

I fell asleep here :-)

Today in the morning I've got a text from A.

with my appointment on 23/07

that's just 5 weeks, great

And the end of the sentence

is something like

...keep treading in one spot

needing more and more outside help

it's been a while

The week before last was very busy

from Thursday morning till Saturday afternoon

but I felt surprisingly alive and competent as the head of the registration dept.

(on the running day we organised)

I am also midway through a barista course

trying not to burn the milk while foaming(?) it

The week after the event was spent mostly partying and recouperating

Then yesterday M. came for a flying visit

we went to the old-Kőrössy fish soup place

it had a bit of a date feel to it

putting on a dress

and having someone pick me up by car

even opening its door

the meal was also great

we made some vague plans for meeting next at his new place somewhere near Szent György-hegy

And today it was once again very difficult to get up

I shuffled around whatever I could

making everything less ideal than originally planned, of course

(I didn't go to the 9 o'clock mass with Fr. M.

but the 6pm one nearby

where I feel as if I were in a vacuum

and thus also missed half of an online lecture)

I arrived to A's birthday garden party right for lunch

And then at one point there were 10 kids below 7 years

and it really didn't frustrate me as it used to

it was just plain sad

and very, very distant

even though, as I reflected on the way home,

all sorts of relational statuses(?!) were represented

from single (N.)

through non-marrying & childless (F. & Zs.)

and divorced & childless (me)

to divorced with two kids (K.)

Still, it hurts to think of what my life could have come to

And then at home I listened to what remained

from this lecture-series

and PF spoke about people

"negotiating their new contract with life"

after COVID

and about acceptance meaning

that one opens up to what may come next

and I am nowhere near that

nowhere near

on fantasies

I may have written about this

but maybe I haven't

It's about the fact that I am completely unable

to imagine myself in a romantic relationship 

I can't say that it surprises me

I never had much of a vision or such of myself (say, "in x years I shall be...")

but it is a blank space now

I can't imagine myself with a boyfriend in any situation 

(which was, of course, one of the reasons

for my inadequacy 

when being in public with B.)

Surprisingly, there are one or two pictures in my head

on which I have a child

though for the last days few days it has been

"a mother? Me?! Who am I kidding?!"

again

on the doomstown visits

I wondered here earlier

that these visits later look like

something quite removed from me

it was the same this morning

with sunshine pouring into the room and on my face

like a bad dream

(with some puffy eyes, oh well)

however

yesterday I was more aware of the process

and as tempting as it is to say that 

I have no control/responsibility over my mind these time

it may not be true after all

because I was fully myself when I first thought/felt what I did

and for a long time afterwards

so who can tell where that "line" is

or indeed if it exists

If someone had told me two years ago

that I'll be this poorly now...

I wanted to say I'd have killed myself but of course I wouldn't 

Just like I don't do it know

when I have a pretty good idea on what's ahead

I think it’s about to time to let go.

If I couldn’t help myself in 2.5 years

or in fact, couldn’t even determine to want to help

than the logical next step is to give up

This won’t mean suicide, of course

nor, probably, any radical difference compared to my days so far

but I want to stop struggling finally

because it is just pointless

and seems to make things worse than they may be

should I not care at all 

I guess I am still sure 

God could take my misery away 

but I start having serious doubts 

whether He wants to

There were those times

when every time I left the house

I felt like the chased game

looking left and right 

in the fear of seeing Á (& A) anywhere

Not very good for stress levels

Then it eased a lot

Time, the great healer, and similar bullshit

And then now it’s back

So probably it wasn’t so much me getting better

than the quaranteen times 

when there was almost no chance

to run into anyone on the street 

* sigh *

Maybe I should start working out ways

to make his/their life a living hell

and then they’d move away...

(Maybe this was inspired by today’s short story)