and an update

to Pt 1:

Meanwhile on Moly other people’s lists inspired me 

with two > four! more first-time-this-year-s:

- have seen my dad with a beard

- have been taking medication for a whole year (and counting)

- could not go to church on a Sunday--for lack of a service near or far

- cooked quince cheese

on the year, pt 3 – People that...

​...made me happy:
my nephews who welcomed me with visible joy every time we met
friends reaching out to/for me
everyone who sent me anything by post

...made me grateful:
A. who showed up again and again despite all else on her plate

A. who asked me for help from time to time
M. who went out of his way to keep in touch this year

F., P. & H. who helped me loads with DIY jobs
G., my boss, who "lent" me trust in advance
all those at the forming fellowhip who accepted me

my parents for this light-hearted Christmas

...made me smile or laugh:
B.
E., my little goddaughter
MA, the other baby around

...made me feel curious, intrigued, challenged or just plain joyful through their work:
Michael Osterholm
Phoebe Judge
Grant Snider
Krista Tippett
Ann Voskamp 

Lore Ferguson Wilbert

on the year, pt 2 – Stuff that...

​...made me enthusiastic:
world travel/backpacking
urbexing
the new job
starting the book club

...made me happy:
that neat little romance in spring
a few play gatherings with lots of laughter
a few presents that I managed to chose with a lucky hand

...provided escape:
Friends (the series)
Harry Potter
GF Newman’s The Corrupted
the Neapolitan Quartet by Elena Ferrante
Endevour

...made me relax:
long hot baths
editing Moly.hu

...made me grow:
F&L?
the new job?

...I enjoyed:
Wooden Overcoats
Station Eleven
true crime podcasts (esp. Body on the Moor, Death in Ice Valley, and Criminal)
BBC Radio dramas & audio books
film club films (usually)
sending out the Christmas "cards"
cooking

walking a lot
The New York Times
The Guardian 

...made me sad/desperate:
marital crises and/or bad choices of friends
gun violence and police brutality in the U.S.
Trump
the political climate here in Hungary
my bleak future

my troubles with sleep

my reading crisis

...I missed:
travelling 
hiking 
intimacy on all its levels
some friends
pub nights
nice, tangible surprises 
God

on disappointment

I was planning some sort of a little get-together for tomorrow

to talk a bit about the ending year

and also inaugurate the new card set ("the little box of emotions")

but no one was interested (or available)

so in the end I gave up

and felt utterly disheartened

(even as I know it’s not personal)

and now I should do my own reflection

but of course I don’t

and if not that, I should at least sleep

to avoid repeating that horrible experience

when two weeks ago I almost fell asleep on adoration

but alas, the "all’s wrong" feeling has settled in

and now I need all my objectivity and willpower

to make myself go to bed

why 

why

why

on the year (pt 1?)

 I'd like to write some sort of a 

"this was 2020" post

but I resist the idea of introspection 

I feel that it can only bring on pain

(which may not even be true

but that makes no difference)

Today the usual

"and what was it that you have done

for the first time this year?"

post appeared on Moly

and it took me a long while to figure out

just two things:

- attended psychodrama (once...) and

- spent 5 whole days indoors while completely healthy (contact-quarantine)

This year has not been one when 

I'd have been particularly adventurous

(or indeed at all)

in many aspects my world is shrinking

it reminds me of the time when I used to run:

back than I felt invincible 

and now, utterly dejected 

I am paralysed even at the thought of jogging

on Christmas, continued

I got indigestion

though I really haven’t eaten that much

anyway, a night without dinner should cure it

Today we met up with E. and B. from high school

as well as their husbands and 3 / 4 children (respectively)

it was a lovely morning in Sze.

with bright sunshine

we talked and walked and looked at the nativity

In the afternoon I took the car (and Mum) for a ride

up the hill to Dk.

but I wasn’t the only one with that spot in mind –

there was practically a continuous stream of cars both ways

plus hundreds parking on top

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many cars there

I wonder if they know that we’ll be locked up in the near future

or just happened to chose the same place for the first sunny day in ages

Being at home is still absolutely enjoyable

miracles won’t cease

on Christmas

(I wrote this two days ago, I think, just forgot to post somehow)

So far this is an unexpectedly nice Christmas

my parents are so light-hearted

I found myself wanting to hang out in their company

a thing I can't remember wishing to

Politics come up a bit too much

Mum's furious

My demons, of course, show up from time to time

the disappointment 

the rejection

I wonder if they'll ever leave on their own accord

because casting them off is not a pheasible option

And spiritually I am nowhere near Christ(mas), either

not that it was a surprise

on a productive day, for a change

I know I shouldn’t be proud of this

(as much as I shouldn’t feel bad for the opposite ones either)

but at one point today I realised that 

I’ve got almost everything done 

that I have[?] planned for today

All the Christmas "cards" are delivered

(actually I mailed those going farther last week)

I had a PCR test done and got a negative result

I got almost every present (though none wrapped yet)

and with the help of G. 

even the Faith & Light goody bags reached their recipients

and I had a Zoom talk with N. today

she is stranded in England which is bad

but there are nice things going on around her, too

which are, well, good

and I had mulled wine and cake with (another) N. today

he is about to move out to make space for T.’s girlfriend

and I had a long phone talk with B., too

(she’d been chasing me for a week or so...)

and I had an idea for a thematic post here 

but when and how to do it is yet unclear 

on some lazy days, again

Today I walked out to the mall

where the farmer/crafter market was 

too crowded to feel safe

and where the grocery store didn’t have my favourite muesli

(nor freezer bags for the hospital)

On the way back I mailed one sold book

and had a nice cappuccino ("drink out to help out”)

that I drank in front of a giant nativity scene on Széchenyi square

all the while pondering how it is

that this far I always felt the downtown Christmas fuss way too much

but now I miss it acutely

Later there was the Christmas gathering with the Faith & Light community

where I sang surprisingly self-consciously 

and consequently pretty falsely[?] for the first few beats

but other than this, it was nice as always

I listened to Obama’s reading of his (abridged) memoir 

that was is either very well written or very well edited

but I enjoyed it so much that it made me want to listen to the whole

(though I would probably not read it)

And now I am really sleepy 

but a few minutes ago when I finally closed the laptop

my mind was instantly back at all those toxic spirals

so I decided to open it up again, and write

The unimaginable is happening:

I am down to 1.5 jars of jam

I'll have to make an appeal to friends 

from more domestically inclined families...

Among the other stuff

on Monday I had a fabulous walk and chat

with a girl from the fellowship

we hit it off unexpectedly well

even though she must be 

at least 15 years younger 

and she reached out to me

which is a present in itself

(and my only chance these days)

The parliament is closing the doors

before single people wanting to adopt

which is outrageous 

it also makes me wonder if 

I should have applied

the answer is no, obviously,

yet it feels bad to think that 

I may not stand another chance at it

I listened to this podcast episode 

on Singleness & Sex

it made me wish to read Handle with Care

(I've been reading the author's blog for years)

and also made me realise

just how touch-deprived I am

on a joyous afternoon

This has been my most wonderful afternoon in a long time

First I went to have lunch with a nice young couple 

from the forming Calvinist fellowship where I work

there was great food and good conversation

nothing of the first-visit awkwardness

Afterwards four of us from the Faith & Light group gathered

for a white elephant present swap

which turned out to be hilarious even with so few people

I laughed more than I did in recent weeks, combined

and I will so do it with my friends once we can

on screens (in more than one sense)

(Well, one is rather screening but never mind that)

I’ve got a letter the other day

(not much after this, you may remember)

the public health office calling me to cervical screening

recommended apparently every 3 years

(which begs the question

"why on earth did I undergo it every year up to the last two?!"...

but more importantly)

I never knew we had this on social security

the (first and) last time I’ve got called in to this

was in Manchester, 12 years ago

And then, let me present you my studio:

where I spent hours today recording myself singing 

this spiritual 

it was actually quite good fun

though I have doubts as to my being cut out either

for solo singing or 

for singing into a camera...

we’ll see what becomes of the edited choir product.

on sleeping

Allowing that 28/11 was a measuring mistake (I went back to sleep after the alarm)

it still isn’t quite the ideal 

on adoration

This was a bit weird

I sat today at my appointed weekly hour of adoration

and found that the radio in my head

plays this song 

of all

It’s been the third week (of adoration; not this song)

and I have to get a hard grip on myself every time to set off 

I can’t sit with my feelings and thoughts

But today I remembered

that all through last(? – 2019) summer

adoration was the only time and place

where despair could not get hold of me

what an incomprehensible memory

This was also the spring/summer when I 

went to church almost daily, even for 7am

while nowadays I struggle to make myself go 

even on Sunday

how very oddly I work

***

On the brighter side [pun intended]

today I bought and set up a LED-light-strip

over the kitchen counter

and it’s fantastic

gutta cavat lapidem

Don't get me wrong

I am not near being desperate at present

but that age-old story somehow 

comes into my mind often

about the man who committed suicide

and signed his farewell letter

with the mocking name that a teacher called him at school once

The morale was to be careful with our tongue

because we never can know how others might be affected

As far as I can remember

I was always a bit sceptic toward the guy

so many things happen

how come that he remained so aware 

of that one degrading remark

These days, however, when

I find myself running the same circles

round and 

round

again and

again

I start to see what it means

to feel defined by a single event

as if it carved into me 

drop by 

drop

on this and that

I've got two cards in a week

lovely surprises

one from M. in K.

and one from N. & her family

right from Landau

The new pet has arrived, too

a slim, pretty white heater panel for the bathroom

totally programmable, it could even use wifi

(for no obvious purpose to me)

I hope it won't triple the electricity bill either

I got some more volunteer work, too

carrying leftover baked goods from a bakery to a hospital unit

one evening a week

maybe I could involve other people, too

B. sent an email today, telling mostly about how lonely she is

The book club starts to take shape

I am looking forward to it

And I am more anxious of sleep than ever

:D

I feel like complaining

but I can’t think of anything

that I wouldn’t have already covered here

on (not) caring for my body

Disclaimers:

A) This post may well be Too Much Information for some

B) I really am not proud of these

(though not too much ashamed either)

but it feels important to scribble them down

So I think I achieved some sort of a personal record

having had 18 days between two hair wash

it just wasn't important enough to bother

(the 15-16 degrees at the bathroom

aren't very conducive either

but help is on its way)

the previous time was when two guys came over to play

since then, work was the only reason to move out

(anywhere where I'd have to take my hat off anyway)

The last time I've had my hair cut

was in July last year

(for Á. -- as if...)

it's horribly split by now but I can't be bothered

My calves (?) are proper winter-sleep hairy

The last time I wore a dress/skirt must have been

in September or early October

(apart from the theater)

And what may be even more interesting

I can't be bothered with health checks either

(not that I had any indications 

or even family history to make them 

any more important than for the avarege)

To be honest, it isn't a bad lifestyle

It's pretty cheap (no shampoo, no doctor)

and quite greeen (though what I win in water comsumption on the rare hair washing, I lose twice on full-tub baths... but at least it's with less chemicals)

and even relieves me of a lot of stress (anybody having fun at the dermatologist? dentist? gynecologist...? Nooo?!)

On the other hand

I guess it doesn't make me very marketable

neither does it feel particularly elating

but for the time being

this is mine

and embracing it still requires less effort

than fighting it would

AND I really do brush my teeth every night

and isn't that the foundation of all...?

...

This. Is. It.

I am dead tired, yet unable to move to the bed.

Last night I slept at my nephews-nieces place,

and really did try to sleep half past midnight, and I couldn’t.

However, I woke up at 6:10 this morning

and couldn't go back to sleep

which is unheard of.

So it really isn’t going the way it should

I guess ... running could be the answer

but I still feel pity for Present Me

more than I feel compassion for Future Me

on advent, vol 2

I forgot the last time
just why I started that post
the advent calendar 

was such a significant part
of my childhood Decembers
mum even got round to send it to me
for years during university 

Á. wasn't very keen on it
pretty much refused to take part the last year or two

which hurt
but having no-one even to ask
probably hurts still more
the world is deprived 
of magic
of surprises 
(though of the awful ones, too
admittedly)