what an utter (and bitter) irony

to be born 

infertile

on the feast

of Mary conceiving Jesus

nincs. időm. semmire.

Valójában persze lenne 

egy óra is 

az oviból hazaérés és a vacsora között

de azt a játszótéren töltjük,

mert itthon úgyis csak üvöltenék a kölökkel,

hogy nem hagy semmit se csinálni

így hát az kiesik

marad a fektetés utáni idő

kb. h8-tól (mert ilyen mázlista vagyok!)

amikor a vacsorát el kell mosogatni

és lehetőleg főzni valamit másnapra

(a menzák ideje lejárt, megfizethetetlenek)

és aztán azt is elmosogatni

és közben azért betenni egy mosást 

minden második-harmadik este

amit aztán ki is kell teregetni

és hogy ahhoz hely legyen, leszedni a megelőzőt

és összehajtani, és elpakolni

és tízkor ágyba kell(ene) dőlni, 

mert addigra halálosan fáradt vagyok

de rendet rakni,

felsöpörni,

felmosni,

e-maileket olvasni, netán írni,

hajat mosni,

lomtalanítani,

megszerelni, megragasztani dolgokat

hát ezek tökéletesen esélytelenek

nemhogy

mondjuk valami olyasmit csinálni,

ami kicsit kikapcsolna vagy feltöltene

hát nem tudtam, mi a francra vállalkozom 

a singlemotherhooddal

Ráadásul a kölköt is szinte szisztematikusan gyötröm

hol üvöltök, hol rángatom meg csapkodom

vagy "csak" folyamatosan érzékeltetem vele, hogy a terhemre van

I resent her

ami tetves egy érzés

Semmivel nem vagyok jobb a nevelőanyjánál

És ha még egy fél évig én leszek az anyja,

abba minden bizonnyal belenyomorodik

munka nélküli ség

A gondolat, hogy megint munkát kell keresnem,

a következő érzetek keverékét okozza:

- undor

- reménytelenség

- bénultság

- páni félelem

- egzisztenciális kétely

idegen ség

Tegnap este Rút kapcsán gondolkoztam

Hogy mennyire idegennek érzem magam a saját köreimben (is)

Amíg házas voltam

(nem az elejétől, persze, de az idő múltával elkerülhetetlenül)

azért, mert nem volt gyerekünk

Aztán a válás miatt újra, nagyon durván

És most megint: gyerekem ugyan van, de

nem szültem és nem szoptattam, ráadásul

apja/férjem nincs

Valahogy sose férek bele az elém-írt eszményképekbe

és nem sikerül megszeretnem, 

ami az enyém

De talán nézhetném onnan is, hogy 

ezen a világon nincsen maradásom

A hazám, ahol majd fogok tartozni valahová,

az üdvösség

...

(Azt is hozzá kell tennem, persze, az igazság kedvéért,

hogy ez az idegenség elsősorban a saját lelkemben van,

kívülről soha vagy alig jön ilyen jelzés)

on resentment

It's hard to put a finger on why

but the way T. is doting upon little A. 

makes me resent her (them) like hell

I think it may be because I really wished T. & G. 

to become the godparents of my future child

but now all I feel is that there is no way

that kid could stand a chance against A.

in the heart of T.

(and of course I wouldn't want him or her to have to fight either)

The crazy thing is of course being jeallous of a one year old

and supposedly doing it in the name of someone I don't even know yet

but alas, that's how mature and wise I am

drunk blogging

Actually it's not true

there is only one <kisfröccs> in me

that hardly qualifies for drunkenness

yet the familiar melancholy sat on my mind

and it brought up the same desire

for some mild flirtation

just so I could feel someone

pretty much anyone, really

being interested in me

just so I could feel like a woman once again

I started thinking whether I could conjure up a conversation with anyone

(this would be the "drunk texting" angle)

but alas, I don't think there were anyone 

up for this kind of a thing

(apart from B. who, for obvious reasons, has been disqualified)

And here I need to add what I 

happened to write to S. the other day

about my travel plan back from the French Alps:

...ended up having half a day in Bern, visiting L. :-) Now this poses some danger to my peace of mind (you may recall that I had fallen for him back while he was here and though that was a long time ago, my current loneliness makes me kind of vulnerable to my imagination) but it appeals very much to the side of me that wants to live adventurously. :-) I think basically I need to keep my expectations at bay, and then nothing bad can happen.

We'll see...

hello darkness, my old friend

Back to my favourite complaining place

because things are getting harder once again

The triggers are pretty clear (for all that's worth)

about two weeks ago I ran into A. 

in an online prayer session

and scheduled a video call right away

she's fine

still in London, working as a mental health nurse, and deliberately and happily single

however, she told me T. is in Australia

with some girl

and so I came to know that they too have divorced with E.

which came as a shock

And then Zs. is head over heals in love

with a woman who is in another relationship

(with some abisive guy, naturally)

but they are SO HAPPY

and apparently so should I be for them

but I am not, I could shout at him

that the definition of betrayal 

has absolutely nothing to do 

with whether we know or like the betrayed one

However, none of these prepared me

for the case when I broke off in tears on the playground 

after a question from A. 

about my feelings towards the idea of a romantic relationship

Apparently I am still very far from being healed

and I am also slowly facing the fact

that I have no idea about the possible ground to the annullation of the marriage

indeed I fear that there may not be any

and that would equal to being buried alive

even as I can't imagine myself remarrying

(And then N. told me that her boyfriend broke off with her

and so she is totally heartbroken, too)

the discomfort of weekend*

Whenever I am at home for the weekend, it is really bad

all my energy leaves me

together with any will of doing anything

so I usually end up in bed till noon

and drag through the rest of the day

only doing what Really Must Be Done

I think about people but don’t call them

not necessarily even wish they would

rather just condemn them for not calling me

And so ended the first weekend of the wine festival

without anyone inviting me out to join them

* Compare (the Hungarian translation is called Az este kín)

Life's pretty intense once again

I am surrounded with small grieves

Last Thursday evening S., my Ukrainian flatmate and friend told me that she'll move on to the West

it felt like a small failure

not being able to make her happy here

Friday morning it turned out that J.,

one of my seminarian students

has been sent home

(over some very odd scandal)

and it felt like a small betrayal

since I too told L. earlier

that he doesn't seem to work too hard 

The weekend was great

celebrating Faith & Light's 50th anniversary

with around 180 others

(half of them intellectually disabled)

on a fabulous retreat site

And then on Monday I refused a child

who could have been mine

but I couldn't bear the thought that he might be 

(and certainly is very close to being)

intellectually disabled

I felt horrible afterwards

what right do I have to pick, seriously

to deem this little boy unworthy

and by every chance, leave him to the mercy of the state 

(though in a happy scenario

he might still be found by parents abroad)

So much has happened in so little time

once again

something I didn't expect

it feels like two years ago

There is a war next door

I wonder what to do

it would be great to host someone in the other room 

as long as I don't need it

Meanwhile, I went back to the last medication

and it works like charm

I don't feel particularly good about it

obviously I thought I was tougher than this

alas, I am not

Meanwhile, my days of not working did not go unnoticed

I'll have to do it a lot more consistently

Meanwhile, S. told me some great news

he met someone and may start dating her

a Finnish girl

I can't help smiling whenever I think of them

and so hope that it works out

partly because S. deserves some requited love so much

(don't we all, but still, his past isn't exactly happy in this aspect)

and partly because he is worried sick for his friends back in Moscow

and the places he knows and loves in Ukraine 

be glad you've had it

I remember once about 20 years ago

we had some homelessteam-supervison or training

or maybe some other conference

the occasion isn't important in fact

but I remember M. V.

guru of all things homeless-care

saying that if someone gets into a flat for three months

and then back to the street

we shouldn't complain that he couldn't make it (again)

but be glad that he had three good months

This popped in my head a few days ago

that I had 4 solid good months

and that's reason to celebrate

I'll see if and when I'll have the next few

because now it is pretty bad again

although more managable, certainly

I cry quite often

and things come up and make me sad & bitter

that I thought I've put behind me for forever

like marriage, pregnancy or giving birth

I feel as though I was denied some basic right

something that's so simple and natural and 

was it really too much to ask? 

To be like everyone else...?

I'm starting to bore myself

but it's still the overwhelm

on an almost permanent basis

basically any time when I am not doing something

too much

good things, every one of them

but 

TOO 

MUCH

Most of it is the mental workload

too much to keep in mind

to try to fit into a tight schedule

also, too many people asking for my attention

good friends, every one of them

but

TOO

MANY

(for the time being)

It's a rare occasion when I feel 

some emotion in my body

but this I do

like some low-level humming in my head

white noise, disabling clear thoughts

or grey fog, offsetting clear vision 

My #1 Coping Mechanism for Overwhelm: PROCRASTINATION

And so I now have a new kitchen counter cum shelf

because, as I realised, 

the two groups of things that have no home in my kitchen

are the small appliances (crockpot, kettle)

and my cookbooks

and these are happiest on open shelves

in my IKEA account

but I am nowhere nearer to my work tasks

which are important and some urgent, too

but a lot less fun...

Covid

Apparently covid can heighten one’s gastric acid

so the GP put it down to that immendiately on Friday

though by then, with mild headche and temperature

and coughing and noseblowing

I really had no doubts myself neither

but the rapid test did come out negative 

so I’ve got a new appointment to the testing station for Saturday 4pm

when they finally managed a positive (rapid) test

By then it was a lot better

and stayed about the same for today, too:

coughing, sneezing, noseblowing, a bit of a sore throat

However, it seems that 

I get bored and depressed after a day or two in bed

iiiisolation... is not good for me

today I found fault with friends in my mind

and had no mood to do anything

high time to dress up tomorrow 

and declare myself remote-work-able