on hypersensitivity

PMS is wreaking havoc

no wonder after (yet another) month 

of reckless 

sugar/carbohydrates consumption

I've been having doomsday feelings for the last two or three days

such as

hopelessness

inadequacy

jealousy 

purposelessness 

slowness

laziness

and so on

Too bad that this could really be mitigated... if I cared enough to take care of myself

on loneliness

Somewhere deep

I always looked down on people

who can't bear to be alone

Well, I shouldn't have

I am as lonely as one can be

with quite a few good friends

I can always find something to complain about...

This time it is that there is no one 

to be there for granted

to share stuff with on a daily basis

to make plans with

to ask without hesitation, whenever I think of doing something

The psychologist seems to think 

that I feel I need validation from someone

and it may well be true

"the other side of the coin"

Today I met T.

after a year (or maybe even two?)

and I am just as unable to listen to her as I used to be

but seriously, she can talk for hours

without even taking a breath

and very often repeating herself

Today she said a half sentence about her bipolar condition 

about which I forgot, I think

but at least that explains this unstoppable talking

trouble is, I don't think she is being treated with it

Later A. came with the kids

and along with them

we took T.'s girls to the playground 

(they changed completely from the little devils they were at home)

A. told me about her not-so-successful days as a mother 

triggered in part by not being able to be alone for just a minute

which then lead me back to contemplate the fate of single mothers

who, of course, usually don't have more than one or two children to juggle with 

but even that seems well nigh impossible to me

and I think adoption may be a good idea?!

Meanwhile, a few days ago

I also happened to remember

something that dawned on me a long time ago

back when I was struggling with infertility:

that the way out 

is to be present and share and invest 

in the lives of my pregnant / young mum friends

I'm still not sure, why

but I am sure that it is

(Nevertheless,  T. still feels overwhelming)

a gut prayer

Dear God, my supposedly (and usually indeed) Loving Father,

would you please please please consider

taking away this overwhelming jeallousy 

that attacks me more and more often

when I see large and lovely family homes

with large and busy families

that of course aren't perfect in any way

but so much closer to what I wished for myself

Alternatively,  you may consider

taking away my rusty ideals

my never-to-be-fulfilled desires

or my life

Whichever you please, really

but do something, please

PLEASE

because all these are just too much

for now

on overwhelm

Much like I expected: 

Csillagpont is great fun

as well as an incredible load of work

It didn't help much

that G. started today with telling us off

very disproportionally to what we have(n't) accomplished yesterday

(but he too was fine afterwards

and I managed to even give him some

(pretty cheeky) feedback)

My coworkers are amazing

they made the job bearable and way beyond that

(I wish I could thank them all one by one)

The day wasn't very busy

but we needed to set up the routines, the flow

and I was there literally all day long

(7:15 to midnight)

and even if there were breaks

(an hour or so of prayer;

and we even played two full rounds of Set!)

it was very, very tiring

This was day 1...

today

For the first time in a few weeks

(or so it feels, anyway)

I didn't have to leave home

and it is also a lot cooler

so I had no such urge either

but now I have no food

and I should go a round

to the greengrocer and the baker

but I just am lazy

(not even the <cukrászda>!)

so I guess I'll have to eat something milk-based

which is fine

but sometimes I really wish for more motivation

There is this strange dynamics again:
nothing happening, seemingly

yet quite a bit going on on the inside

most of it half-consciously at maximum, though

Today I spent an hour with little M. in the pushchair

he was fabulous

made no fuss at all 

not even when he realized he is no longer being pushed by his father

that was something that made me deeply relieved and grateful

Meanwhile A. had some urgent examinations at the clinic

worries about the fourth child

(about whom I heard first this morning)

and I was truly anxious for them 

and relieved when it turned out to be nothing very serious

But I still shed a tear or two later at home

for poor me 

that will never know the joys and anxieties of pregnancy or childbirth

while it seems just so easy for others

unfairly easy if I am honest 

but also: if I am bitter

Bitterness is probably my biggest fear for the future right now

altough maybe I should be more afraid of self-pity

I started reading from this woman

cancer-fighter & left by her husband

by the age of 30

pretty damn shocking

in the best sense possible

Today we had a European CLC meeting online

for the migration network

lovely people and amazing conversations

In the evening we went to the mini wine festival

and from that to a pub

and it felt like being young once again

it's just that I didn't get further than about 20%

in the barista text book

on hope & joy

By God's grace

I am not unable to feel joy 

(or anything else for that matter)

like depressed people are 

(I am told)

it's just that the level to which I default

once the joy is gone

is quite a bit lower than it used to be

also, I am more inclined to take things personally

like L's silence

or the fact that N didn't ask me about hiking (twice)

on therapy yesterday

I could see on the psychologist's face

that she's about to say 

Something Unpleasant

and then she told me that she'd been thinking about my mood

the melancholy, blues, subdued-ness, unmotivation

not alleviating for the last months

and that she thinks I should visit my psychiatrist 

and work out some new medication (or level up this one)

I readily agreed

(I really like this woman

and tend to agree with whatever she says

at least on the spot

but this time I still do)

but according to A.

I will probably get an appointment 

for about 3 months down the calendar 

which sounds bad

I think I shall scale up my dose 

for 2 tablets a day

33% more surely can't do much harm

Meanwhile, the question remains

whether I am going somewhere

or just 

----

I fell asleep here :-)

Today in the morning I've got a text from A.

with my appointment on 23/07

that's just 5 weeks, great

And the end of the sentence

is something like

...keep treading in one spot

needing more and more outside help

it's been a while

The week before last was very busy

from Thursday morning till Saturday afternoon

but I felt surprisingly alive and competent as the head of the registration dept.

(on the running day we organised)

I am also midway through a barista course

trying not to burn the milk while foaming(?) it

The week after the event was spent mostly partying and recouperating

Then yesterday M. came for a flying visit

we went to the old-Kőrössy fish soup place

it had a bit of a date feel to it

putting on a dress

and having someone pick me up by car

even opening its door

the meal was also great

we made some vague plans for meeting next at his new place somewhere near Szent György-hegy

And today it was once again very difficult to get up

I shuffled around whatever I could

making everything less ideal than originally planned, of course

(I didn't go to the 9 o'clock mass with Fr. M.

but the 6pm one nearby

where I feel as if I were in a vacuum

and thus also missed half of an online lecture)

I arrived to A's birthday garden party right for lunch

And then at one point there were 10 kids below 7 years

and it really didn't frustrate me as it used to

it was just plain sad

and very, very distant

even though, as I reflected on the way home,

all sorts of relational statuses(?!) were represented

from single (N.)

through non-marrying & childless (F. & Zs.)

and divorced & childless (me)

to divorced with two kids (K.)

Still, it hurts to think of what my life could have come to

And then at home I listened to what remained

from this lecture-series

and PF spoke about people

"negotiating their new contract with life"

after COVID

and about acceptance meaning

that one opens up to what may come next

and I am nowhere near that

nowhere near

on fantasies

I may have written about this

but maybe I haven't

It's about the fact that I am completely unable

to imagine myself in a romantic relationship 

I can't say that it surprises me

I never had much of a vision or such of myself (say, "in x years I shall be...")

but it is a blank space now

I can't imagine myself with a boyfriend in any situation 

(which was, of course, one of the reasons

for my inadequacy 

when being in public with B.)

Surprisingly, there are one or two pictures in my head

on which I have a child

though for the last days few days it has been

"a mother? Me?! Who am I kidding?!"

again

on the doomstown visits

I wondered here earlier

that these visits later look like

something quite removed from me

it was the same this morning

with sunshine pouring into the room and on my face

like a bad dream

(with some puffy eyes, oh well)

however

yesterday I was more aware of the process

and as tempting as it is to say that 

I have no control/responsibility over my mind these time

it may not be true after all

because I was fully myself when I first thought/felt what I did

and for a long time afterwards

so who can tell where that "line" is

or indeed if it exists

If someone had told me two years ago

that I'll be this poorly now...

I wanted to say I'd have killed myself but of course I wouldn't 

Just like I don't do it know

when I have a pretty good idea on what's ahead

I think it’s about to time to let go.

If I couldn’t help myself in 2.5 years

or in fact, couldn’t even determine to want to help

than the logical next step is to give up

This won’t mean suicide, of course

nor, probably, any radical difference compared to my days so far

but I want to stop struggling finally

because it is just pointless

and seems to make things worse than they may be

should I not care at all 

I guess I am still sure 

God could take my misery away 

but I start having serious doubts 

whether He wants to

There were those times

when every time I left the house

I felt like the chased game

looking left and right 

in the fear of seeing Á (& A) anywhere

Not very good for stress levels

Then it eased a lot

Time, the great healer, and similar bullshit

And then now it’s back

So probably it wasn’t so much me getting better

than the quaranteen times 

when there was almost no chance

to run into anyone on the street 

* sigh *

Maybe I should start working out ways

to make his/their life a living hell

and then they’d move away...

(Maybe this was inspired by today’s short story)

Maybe

I wasn’t exactly right the last time.

Maybe I just don’t take my feelings seriously.

Maybe it started at home—I remember so many times

when my feelings or opinions were brushed off

and maybe now it rubs off on me:

I am unable to validate being sad and hopeless

after two years

nor feeling hurt and forsaken

though I was indeed hurt and forsaken

Why do I keep gaslighting myself

Meanwhile, I am also so grateful

for those few adults that did take me seriously

and listened to me 

(mostly whining, tbh

but than isn’t that such an integral part of teenagerhood?)

mainly men: my high school class master, a Franciscan,

my bassoon teacher,

my university chaplains

You have no idea how much I needed those conversations (weeps)

Sometimes

I still feel that it would have been better

to stop living in March 2019

I am, of course, o.k. with living 

from one day to another

but it doesn't lead anywhere

there is nothing

to get up for in the morning

to be enthusiastic about 

to love more than I do my comfort

There is only this shame and sadness and dispair

that nothing can possibly come

that could make this worthwhile

Meanwhile, writing these down 

doesn't make me feel better

if anything, rather worse

and yet, my need for complaining

gets the better of me again and again

I had yet another in-love dream last night

with yet another unwisely chosen guy

apparently no male aquaintance of mine is safe :-D

(he was the 5th if I remember well)

I also met A. on a playground today

I'm so glad that we are both this committed to meet whenever we can

I learn a lot from and through her

My digestion is still as bad as can be

(meaning virtually nonexistent)

but at least today I bought some fruit & veg

and a summer duvet