on the rising levels of frustration

It's probably in part PMS
but by this morning I really got fed up
with Zs. constantly complaining about his life
that's just way too full of everything
and never safistifes him
I've had the notion for a long time
that he doesn't cultivate my friendship
beyond near-constant chatting
(I mean stuff like he almost never wanted to meet me in person)
because he's only interested in possible girlfriends
now I am pretty sure it's because of the permanent overwhelm in which he's existing
(and not pure selfishness)
but still, somehow I am unable to feel empathy
towards someone with a pretty stable living and on his way to achieving his life's purpose
while complaining endlessly about everything
to me who have nothing of the above.

(This was not a post written from Christian charity.)

----
I remember now what caused
the underlying nervousness in my day:
it was P. telling me during our morning coffee session
that he's "shocked" by something
from last night's men-circle gathering.
Of course he couldn't say more
and of course I can't help wondering
terrified
what it might be

on these days

Anxiety took hold of me more than once
during the last days
I couldn't really put my finger on it (yet?)
but I am rather restless
craving stimuli to divert my mind
and responding to Á's name
worse than usually
(while also thinking of him
more than before)

I didn't join Sunday's videochat
for fear of there inevitably being some
to whom I should explain my situation
and that does not become any easier with time

I quite hate myself for these
though I know that only worsens everything

But at least this morning
I finally applied to volunteer
and was called back in hours
(though it's all under organisation still
and won't start happening till next week)

and remembered to go and give blood
one day in the near future

hello, darkness, my old friend

Today I was pretty happy
(listened to Defoe's account of the last London plague
watched a rather beautiful film called Werk ohne Autor
and even talked to Sr. A. at long last)
but at one point I slipped back
into the "I really am not good for any work" mood
and complaining just doesn't help
however nice the following, more or less obligatory compliments may feel

on life in lockdown

In the past week
I haven't met anyone (apart from B. and Cs.)
for longer than half an hour
(and that means three to ten minutes
in all cases but one)
and yet I am being challenged
though I do think of myself as quite conscientious

Vurch became a bit easier
with Cs. next to me
we watched the Good Friday and Holy Saturday services together
and even had a bit of a feast afterwards

I got badly sunburned
in just two mornings on the balcony
I really should have stopped
after the first day's piglet-pink state

I had a little bit of a correspondence
with M. in Turin
and Ch. in Bergamo
and S. in Saint Petersburg
and I really should write to A. in London
but that must include the divorce
and I still don't feel comfortable about that
though I should probably not let that deter me
but it does
...

Yeah, not even the place of radical acceptance
can heal everything

on shame, again

So the energy I gain day by day is pretty amazing
but it doesn’t solve my life’s problems
not by a long shot

The shame is still there, even if I think of it a lot less
but since the facts will not change
I really have no idea what (if anything) will make it go away.

Other than this, life’s going on
yesterday I ventured out on a whole exploration:
post office, whole-food shop, lunch from Zs.
I also started cycling again
and so far I haven’t gone mad yet
I sowed on the balcony (salads and flowers so far)
attended numerous video conference calls
started translating this as volunteer work
cooked a whole lot of curry on Monday
read a bunch of last year’s children’s books
played badminton and frisbee on Mátyás tér
had lunch one day in the garden with my brother’s family
started listening to Harry Potter read by Stephen Fry
walked 12-ish kms in Újszeged with N.
(complete with a picnic lunch and a little bit of urb-exing)
made hummus from scratch

and haven’t done anything in terms of tidying up the room
which is really bad
because if I don't do it for Easter
then I don't know when I will (or if ever)

on the igloo

Must we find a solution?

Can’t we just enjoy the problem for a while?

(graffiti) 

Right, I’m fessing up (where else):
to the most unexpected
and most joyful
thing that’s been going on in my life.

I have a boyfriend. Or something very similar to that.
For the time being. :-)

Let me explain. But where to start?

It may have started at Jazz. Or on the motorbike.
I may have started it with voicing my concern
about not feeling like a woman any longer
though I absolutely honestly
never expected
or even anticipated
anything like this as an answer
I just wished to have a bit of fun
so with that in mind it may as well have started
with B. taking me somewhat more serious than I meant to be
(and always making the corresponding counter-move).

Now in one aspect I am going exactly across my principles:
I never started anything
where there was zero chance for it to turn into marriage
(apart from V. Sz. but that was the folly of my youth :-))
and yet that’s the case now.
However, I can even explain this away:
we’ve been totally transparent from the first moment
and agreed on the frames to the last point.

These may make it a bit clearer (or not):

And so this space (“the igloo”) was born.

A place of 

radical acceptance,

safety

and healing.

And gratefulness, abundant gratefulness.

on the way back to myself

Surprisingly (or maybe not)
the way back to myself
leads through the radical acceptance
of my brokenness
and of my being as it is
mind, body and soul.

And it happens to come
from highly unlikely quarters.
The spring of our confinement
may in the end just become
the spring of our liberation.

on curfew(-ish restrictions)

Yesterday I talked to someone
who was concerned about being caught on the street
without good reason
and it made me think about my own attitude
which apparently has not changed the least
for the last almost three weeks.
Since then, I wasn't out for any reason other than
work (shut down on Monday last),
shopping (incl. presents),
walking
and/or meeting a friend
and I don't plan to give up on any of these
as long as I can.

Somehow the fact that since Saturday
it's officially called (something like)
"restricted moving"
does not change anything for me.

Maybe I am in fact
less of an externally controlled person
than I had thought?

on attending vurch

So a few minutes ago
I attended Virtual Church for the first time
(couldn't be bothered last week)
at some random Irish Cathedral

It was quite odd, I have to admit
silent and without even a homily
and lying in bed in pyjamas
was probably not the best choice either

However, I better get used to it
and work out my good practices soon
because this shall last...

(I can hear that Cs. at her room
could find a mass with singing :-))

At 9 we'll have breakfast/coffee together
with a bunch of friends
on Zoom.
I better go and get ready.

on an unusual birthday

I've been meaning to write here for ages
but apparently it comes easier
when I am poorly
than when I am fine
and the latter was the case
for the last week or so.
Signs of my improving mental health included
not having to listen to something every minute of the day,
being more mind- and thoughtful about
other people's struggle,
putting on my red-flowery T-shirt
for the first time since July,
and generally not getting caught up
in the webs of self-loathing and shame.

I guess it lasted till today.
And now I remember the good M. V.
who at a conference on homelessness
told us that we should not be too regretful
if after three months our client gets back to the street
but rejoice that he could have three nice months off it.

So today I remembered the only reliable greeting-card senders in my life:
the parents and grandmother of Á.
No card this year, obviously
but they've sent a text later in the evening
which compels me to edit this part
(nevertheless, thinking of them was painful).

Meanwhile, the day was dragging on a bit disappointingly:
a few messages from friends
in fact, some totally unexpectedly
and lots of silence from others.
I know the world's on the verge of collapsing
and so I really shouldn't have expectations
yet
apparently I still have them.

My brother's family saved the day though
with a lovely lemon cake made by my nieces
and a bag of food ("quarantine-present")
and some general merriment and lap-sitting and the rest.

Later I even went shopping (gasp!)
bought Dutch flower seeds
(then read at home that they're supposed to be sown in June...),
unicorn magic marshmallows :-),
a pink candle
and two big-flat-wheelie boxes
underneath my bed.

Trouble is "only" that I still don't feel like tidying.

But A. called a few minutes ago
how very kind of him;
and we even had a Skype conversation with G.
where I've got to see my future goddaughter live.

Seriously, I have no reason to be disappointed.
This turned out to be a quiet but good birthday.

on being a splendid fool

This is the time and place to volunteer!

eight plus one resolutions for these extraordinary times

1. I shall air through my flat three times a day, and walk outside twice for 15 minutes (in direct sunlight, if possible).

2. I shall get up by 8am, and go to sleep by 11pm.

3. I shall switch off every screen between 9pm and 9am.

4. I shall call at least two people a day, maybe a friend and a relative. I shall do my best to listen to them more than I speak.

5. I shall tell my phone number to the old ladies in my house, and offer to help in whatever they may need it. I should have done this upon moving in but better now than never.

6. I shall stay properly hydrated, and I shall pay attention to what and more importantly to how much I eat. Boredom-induced eating is never a good idea but even less so now when I need less calories.

7. From Monday to Saturday I shall work, volunteer, move and learn a bit every day. I shall try to tend to some neglected areas of my flat, too.

8. I shall pray, sing and give thanks and every day, as well as read, listen to or watch something uplifting, and something funny.

+1. I shall be extra thoughtful and patient with anyone under high pressure: people working in public service and healthcare, parents of small children, the elderly.

on shame

​I wonder what exactly took me this long in it
but here it is now:
I identified my single most depressing feeling
as shame.

An overwhelming, burning sense of shame
that I’ve been rejected for another
used, bored of and thrown away
(flushed down the toilet as it sometimes feels)
that I have not been and am not
living up to
whatever I ought to
that I am incapable of any proper employment
that I seemingly have nothing to offer the world
that I cry on more days than I am not
that I am empty
lacking any substance or essence

but I better stop here

(Now I wonder if identifying would change anything.
I'd be surprised if it did, though.)

on getting fat

No one takes me seriously in this matter (either, to be honest)
as if it were a sign of normalization
but of course gaining weight does not end where I used to be
and I was also a lot happier shape-wise last summer than before that
right now I am unable to button up my size 38 pair of jeans (not even standing)
from my bulging belly
and keep shoveling food in myself whenever I can
and can't make myself run
anyway, I'll tell the psychiatrist tomorrow
and ask her either for another medicine
or to stop entirely
though that may prove too early
but how am I supposed to know if I can live on without it?
Anyway, at least Mum will surely
give me a nice talking-to (?)
she is always dissatisfied with me.

on a dream

I dreamed about L. tonight
it was way too realistic
apart from some details
(but those I only noted after waking)
the kind of dream that feels real
up to my skin and flesh
shows my unfulfilled longings nicely
is there really no way to stay inside...?

on recent joys

We played Pandemic Thursday night
(till 1am or so)
with B. and N.
it was great fun
(though I am still a bit intolerant
towards meaningless vulgarity)

Tonight I watched an award ceremony
at the theatre
with two percussion bands
it was amazing

Also, I like this app very much

a prayer from long ago

Uram, valamit kezdj el már velem,
mert látod, hogy nem megy semmi.

Pedig még tudnék lelkesedni,
még nem múlt el az első szerelem,
ha be is temetem,
vagy betemeti más:
a munka vagy a fáradt,
sűrű megszokás.

Már nem is tudom,
hogyan is kellene,
hogy szolgád derűs szelleme
tartson még bennem,
és tudjak valami
küldetést látni
ebben a robotban,
ami még lelkesít --
ha már az emberek
nem is igénylik
azt, amit teszek --

vagy Te igényled bennünk azt, Uram,
és mégse minden céltalan?

on living in a nightmare

I think I'm fighting pretty hard
but no matter what
I just can't seem to find my way
back into my life

Every positive change
feels totally superficial
almost illusory
whereas the the pain and hopelessness
eat me away on a much deeper level

Yesterday (after hearing about (over)protective mothers
from more than one person last week)
I told the group that
no one ever had any fear for me

on food & family

I think I have always been fairly aware
of food wasting
and always tried to cut back on it
but my recent money-consciousness made a real difference
at the greengrocery I start at the half-price section
(which also means that I have to eat or prepare the stuff ASAP
but at least time is not a problem these days)
and the other day I turned the sour milk into cheese
which is pretty nice
(milk doesn't really go off by me nowadays
– I drink a lot –
but it feels like a new skill)

Today I talked about my family on therapy
nothing groundbreaking (unsurprisingly)
but it felt good to let the others know me a bit more
and I also became really grateful for my parents
after hearing the stories of the others.

on appearances

I've got an e-mail the other day from J.
starting with
"I'm glad things start to work out around you at last"
I wonder what could I have written that made it look like that...

If I think of Á, I still feel something pretty close to physical pain
I'm not sure if there was a full week since August
when I wouldn't have cried
(or indeed three consecutive days in recent months)

On other matters: I've long since
been considered a presents-person
which may be true to some extent
(I like both getting and giving
thoughtful presents
preferably nicely presented)
but
recently I found that what actually
determines my feelings towards someone
is their willingness to spend time with me.