because quite a bit of my
I-am-so-proud-of(-myself)
stability and self-confidence
went to pieces this last week
I wonder if it is from coming off med #3
from not wanting to let go of the psychologist (the next one being our last sitting)
or from PMS
Either way, I've been crying a fair bit for these last days
sometimes quite out of the blue
while at others I chose the muds of self-pity readily
I am still bothered by lovers all around
while of course can't blame anyone else
for my gut resistance towards any
dedicated way of looking for someone
(well, this is not strictly true because naturally I can blame Á. for everything, any time)
And with all my growing empathy towards myself
(one of the many fruits of therapy)
I still feel ashamed
which then doesn't make me think about myself as a prize exactly
damaged goods and the rest of the same old same old
Curiously, I don't feel guilt
I do belive that my sins are forgiven
(and also that I did my utmost to save the marriage)
but that I were forgiven, made whole, whiter than snow and whatnot...
well, that's easier said than felt
I wonder if this will once again start to paralyze me the way it used to
because that would put a lot of questions to the future
say, whether it is a good idea to
top my feelings of insufficiency by taking on a child
or whether it is wise to stop therapy
or whether I should just stop caring
once and for all
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