The massage must have been even more of a succes

than I thought

because I fell asleep earlier yesterday than I had for a long time (11:30ish) 

and (after a short pause around 8

which seemed too early to be up on a Sunday) 

went on sleeping till 11:30

But this also means that I am not sleepy tonight

especially since I am harbouring ambivalent feelings about the book club

for a time today I felt that I really should not force my choice of books on all these people

most of whom hated this second one vehemently

this impression was later somewhat mitigated

by a few remarks on how good it is to have the book club

but I am still unsure

I feel that this list provides a good starting point

and if it were just about recommendations

then we couldn't ever decide what to read

but it may well be just plain stunbornness on my part

clinging to my idea

(then again, isn't that the natural way when one has an idea?)

and then, perhaps even more importantly

I have to once again face the fact

that I am hopelessly inadequate in literature

which is still a shame

even if not a novelty

however, I guess I'd better make peace with it

(with myself, to expand the issue a bit(?!) more)

on a much better (socially distant) birthday

I had breakfast with N. on Thursday 

on a bus stop bench, nice and safe

(he had no idea about my birthday

which was cause for a good laugh)

 

I nearly fell asleep on adoration

then gave my other breakfast cookie/cake

to a beggar man in front of the church

then we went to watch buffalloes (and water birds and tiny water creatures :-))

with A. & the three kids

it was good fun

the sun was shining brightly all day long

In two days, not counting the aforementioned breakfast,

I’ve got cake from five people (the last two meant 1 cake, fortunately)

and at least a dozen cards and letters and emails from Tuesday on

so yes, voicing my needs seem to pay off

And today I even had a massage

to ease my pain of touchlessness

along similar lines

I can see a pattern here

upon waking I kind of look forward to the day 

all the things I can accomplish

but by the time I get out of the bed

it starts fading

and by the time I can actually sit down to work, it's gone

Weird, really

I am also more sensitive

to people not wanting/being able to meet me

though it seems I may just have been barking up the wrong trees

because others still seem quite keen

I met A. today for a half hour walk

and got two lovely cards

from Zs. in Fehérvár

and M. in Kecskemét

on losing touch

Today I felt fairly bad still

and couldn't find anyone to complain to

either I know too well how troubled they are already 

or I can't imagine them caring

or to the remaining few I've complained enough by now

but M. called (as an act of penance!)

and that's always good

and even Mum called

and played me Nada te turbe on the recorder (!)

and we had Faith & Light gathering

seriously, how do I dare call myself lonely?!

on this day

Well, it was a rush statement

that it was mostly over

today I woke around 10

had breakfast, amd lay back

till 3 (not sleeping)

then I dressed up

(feeling it too embarrassing to show up in pyjamas, even if only to Cs.)

and went on listening to radio drama

and playing on my phone

up to now.

I also had lunch from the freezer

ate a lot of cocoa powder (the sugary type, of course)

talked on the phone with A.

and on Skype with G. & A.

and learned quite a bit of Dutch.

That was my day.

And meanwhile I've been feeling bad 

for all the stuff I did not do

and also nicely reinforced

in my opinion 

that I am not good for anything.

Last night I talked with the inimitable P. (via Skype)

I cried a lot

but by this morning my doomstown visit was mostly over

I hate to admit but PMS might 

have played a mighty part... 

a shame on me, really, still stuffing my body

with empty carbohydrates

after all these times & experiences

I don't learn a thing

on existential dread

Basically, it comes down to these.

Life does not conform to my ideals.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of them.

Life’s worth does not depend on its importance or effectiveness

or anything else. It is, therefore its existence is good.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of my stupid notion 

that because it is not important, effective

or anything else, my life is wothless.

...

I shall try to hold on to that picture

how I could finally imagine the Father holding me

safely

warmly

unconditionally

If anything, this will help me through this.

 

on restlessness

Quaranteen, day 5 (and the last)

cabin fever

horrible state in the flat

(I started binding two long awaiting books

+ decluttering the kitchen closet

while not having vacuumed for a month or so)
and similarly bad state in my head

Last night was nasty

I was up till about 2:30

and spent quite a bit of it weeping

among feelings of use- and prospect-less-ness

I wonder if it is an early onset (?) midlife crisis

[which, I am told by Wikipedia, may not exist at all :-)]

or just the latest aftershock of the whole boring mess

I also exchanged an e-mail with Á. yesterday

having got a demand for payment from the insurance company

the flat’s insurance in on his name

and I asked him around September to cancel it in November

but as it happens, he didn’t

and neither payed the fee due in January

but at least did it now

 

In one way these occasions are useful reality checks

I tend to think that by leaving me, he must have solved all his life’s problems

but alas, at least I wasn’t the reason behind his procrastination

Yesterday I also started reading Modern Love

(the NYT column I desperately avoided till now)

with this piece

and went on today with this

not sure why (apart from the fact that I need to read a short story a day)

it aches

but still I feel drawn to them somehow

on freedom

With CLC on Friday

we talked about freedom

what we cling onto

what we wish we could let go of

and what we really can

I realised 

that my latest addiction is indeed my phone

and what I really can't let go of are my ideals

I am also horribly lonely

and not really good for/at anything

(or maybe I just had too many friends around

with different (and totally deserved) professional successes  

for one week)

I also watched a Danish documentary titled "A Married Couple"

about a young couple:

both the boy and the girl have Down syndrome

and they have a fascinating take on life, the world and everything

in part fully childlike

in part wise as old people

but always totally straight and honest

it was a delight to be part of their life

even if also heartwrenching at times

on going downward again

I'm not sure what happened (if anything)

but yesterday I got back home

from a nice walk&talk with A. and all the kids

feeling that I need a nap

from which I could hardly get up

and then spent the afternoon procrastinating 

and the evening amidst sad thoughts

of not being good for anything

I also practically stopped praying

also without any reason, it just happened

Yesterday my boss told me off for not working nearly enough

he was right, of course

I remembered the last time I was sent away from somewhere because of this

and was very much ashamed

So today I worked like the little angel

and it felt good, too

I hope I can keep up

Also, last night I dreamed of Á.

it was a long and chaotic dream

the situation was the real one

(he with her and I alone)

but we were at peace 

Last week when I came away from the psychologist

I seemed to see him on his bike at a crossroads

I even waved and smiled, in some sort of a daze

only to find when we passed each other that it wasn’t him

that was a peaceful "encounter", too

But I still can’t imagine that there will ever be anything

that would make the whole worthwhile 

on this and that

Lots of nice things happened lately 

I went through the guardianship office (?) phase yesterday

meaning that once I manage to decide, my way to adoption is open

After that, I sat down in the sun on Szent István Square

and at one point, R. appeared

whom I haven't seen for a long time

(maybe since last summer?!)

and we talked for an hour

I sent out a message to a girl last week

a second cousin of Á.

inquiring about the old relations in Transylvania

and she responded so very kindly

it was a joy to read

(besides, everyone is o.k.)

Today we had hamburger for lunch with B.

and sat on the swing bench afterwards

and watched a broadly smiling cocoa farmer in Ghana

telling us about fair trade

on the move

I came home to visit my parents

it's just as easy as it was at Christmas

I'm so glad

Today I drove to Pv.

to visit J. and see their long-built house

it was a great time

conversing about everything

and seeing her at home, with her husband and daughter 

My praying mood is pretty much gone

that's not such a happy thing

and driving was quite stressful

but in general, things are o.k.

Apart from sleep, I guess 

(3:50)

on things on the move

If you've been here for a few months

you won't be surprised

that my silence is a good sign again

I feel generally pretty good:

the name-change, 

the adoption-eligibility process,

the therapy, 

the talk with P. and lately with G.

all moved this and that

and while I still feel a bit unfaithful

to my ideals and "all I hold sacred"

I can sometimes shake it off 

with some vague feeling of 

"heck, I did what I could"

The days are longer, too

and brighter, and warmer

on an accidental(ly witnessed) sunrise

Some more sights like this

and I might even become a morning person

on the good priest

(I mean the proverbial one that learns till death)

Years ago I've got a psychological assessment

that stated (among a lot of other stuff)

that I am an extrovert without any hint of introversion whatsoever

this sounded very strange, given my general love for solitary employments

and occasional aversion towards new and/big groups of people

however, the pandemic is teaching me about myself

namely that can I lack people horribly

days are passing without any meaningful communication

(let alone skin contact...)

and I start feeling that this is what depresses me most

today, before I walked out to the fair,

I thought about asking N. to join me

but she's been working crazy-busy these last weeks

and most people need longer notice anyway

and my ideas get rejected usually anyway

so I couldn't make myself call her

and thus made certain that I won't have company...

It happens all too often

I long for connection but don't do the least for it

Here's to all those who still call me

thank you

on lacking vitality

I so don’t feel like doing anything

despite the wonderfully bright day outside

and the stuff to do inside

it took me a few hours to get out of bed

but back then I was not sad yet, just lazy

after another hour or so I even changed out of my pyjamas

had lunch

tech-supported two friends

listened to this and that

and meanwhile, all my energy left me 

I can’t really imaginge doing anything else than sleeping

however, I’ll make myself walk over to the water tower

and maybe even have a coffee and/or <kürtőskalács>

on being unfaithful

Today I remembered once again

that the fact that I am feeling significantly better than a year ago

proves that I am not faithful to my ideals

on P., the God-sent

Today I finally got to talk to P.

after way too long a time 

(Google Calendar tells me we last met in August!

I seem to remember something from autumn but it's unlikely that I'd have forgotten to put it on the calendar)

and quite a few stones fell off my heart 

[which is, of course, a saying unknown in English]

such a privilege to have someone to talk to

who embodies hope 

and is available on demand

such a grace

on flirtation

A sentence I'd never thought will ever leave 

[I have no idea about the tenses here] 

my mind:

all I wish for is some light flirtation

Troubles are that

it has a bad name (but do read this article or watch the video below it, and tell me that it isn't true!), and that

we know all too well

what became of my similar desire last year...

I could probably do other stuff

to feel more like a woman

like dress up and such

but I can't see anything else 

guaranteeing any instant gratification

people didn't notice my hair cut

and also, I just don't meet people

and stuff like that requires tiresome work

and I am lazy and demotivated